Defining my purpose

My dad always told me that I was born an athlete. I believed him because hey, he watched me grow so he must have seen something in me. I always pictured myself in long races like the 21k marathons and then not panting at the end of the race you know not looking all sweaty and worn out, holding my medal and eloquently giving my victory speech 

‘I dedicate this medal to my dad, who believed in me. To y'all out there your dreams are valid.....'  

Dream on sister, dream on. 

When this year started, I made a bucket list of things to accomplish before end of the year, we all have those, but I decided to push through with mine. Number one on the list, run a marathon. 

The mater heart run came, my colleagues cheered me on, and were like yeah bring the cup home, do us proud, bla bla.... (FYI there was no cup/medal/winning, it was a charity event). I was super excited and even re-did my 'victory speech'. In front of the mirror this time. In my head I saw cameras flashing, reporters struggling to reach me ...fast forward to reality.....there were no cameras or reporters.

I pushed right to the front because I wanted to be ready, I even told off my 'slow friends'. I didn't want anyone slowing me down, I wanted to stick with the 'fast ones'. We were finally flagged off and there I was sprinting through the crowd as fast as my skinny legs could carry me. 100m later I couldn't even move I was practically gasping for air. I was done! No I didn't give up, lets just say I practically crawled the remaining 9.9km (maybe it was way less than that but sure felt like a million kms!) 

I finally finished, a gazzilion hours later, mind you way after the pals I called slow, It was unbelievable. Every part of my body was aching!

Coincidentally that weekend I watched some cartoon called Oswald...Henry (a penguin) really wanted to fly. He was desperate because he has wings and yet cant fly. The sunflower kept encouraging him and gave him brilliant ideas like putting a propeller on his head, or a kite, or a balloon but still nothing worked. Oswald kept reminding him that he didn't need to fly because there are so many other things he can do perfectly. Henry became so obsessed with flying that his friends finally put him in a bubble that floated. No he wasn't flying but he was so happy. He wasn't created to fly.

Do I know my purpose?

Do I really know what my purpose is or is supposed to be. What if I am living in an illusion I have created of what I am supposed to do yet I have been called to do something totally different. What if I am doing things just because so and so said it’s a good thing and I am good at it? 

Sometimes we push ourselves unnecessarily and force ourselves into things we never ought to do in the first place. Just because someone said you might be good at it. Am I the only one being set up for dates? The match makers of this world, pushing you to a guy. A random that might not even be anywhere close to God's will

Why do we allow ourselves to be shoved around? how come if someone says I think this is good for you, we don’t even think about the consequences but just dive in nose first? 

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in the mind of a man,

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

I have come to appreciate the fact that we have so many plans. So many things we think we are good at or things that we imagine that we are called to do, but one thing that I know, if it’s not God's plan for you, it will not prosper. Sometimes he allows us to be when we force our way. 

My dad kept telling me that I was very athletic, no, I don’t remember ever running when I was young. Maybe he was hoping that I would run and bring the 'millions' home, and I always had this what if I have wasted my talent? but when I tried and it was a epic fail, I knew definitely that's not what I have been called to do. 

Many things have happened in my life and I have failed terribly at so many things, from relationships, to career, (I started off doing something else, now am doing something completely different), and at my age I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. It’s like I am living in the unknown.  In some vacuum, daily making a prayer to God to show me his will, to help me be content with where I am at.  

In this vacuum I know a few things though:

Ephesians 2:10.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I am no accident. I was CREATED by God. But why?

To know God: 

Ever since I got to know God and developed a personal relationship with him, things have been different. Good different. 

I was created for God’s glory.

I know my purpose is to glorify God in this world.

Isaiah 43:6-7

I will say to the north, Give up,

and to the south, Do not withhold;

bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the end of the earth,

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made.”

To praise and Worship God and to grow in the spirit:

The type of person I eventually become is more important than my failures, my ugly past, my miseries and everything else that is negative. I want to display the fruits of the spirit: Gal 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;

To Spread the Gospel:

I use my social media especially twitter to let other people know about God, simple one liner messages. I am not ashamed of making known what he has done.

Isaiah 12:4

And you will say in that day:

“Give thanks to the Lord,

call upon his name,

make known his deeds among the peoples,

proclaim that his name is exalted.

To develop my talents:

Well my talent is definitely not athletics, I love to write. I want to develop that talent to the glory and honor of His name. I know that each and every person has a purpose. Different talents and gifts.  Romans 12:4

How I am I planning to live according to God’s purpose for ME?

Explore new things:

I am an introvert. I hate doing new things and meeting new people. It’s very difficult for me to start a conversation with a stranger. I recently did away with my smart phone. It’s so annoying!, hanging,  no charge etc, on my way to and fro work I have the opportunity to chat with new people since I am not drowning in chatting! But no, I have no guts to chat people up. I have I used the time to meditate and just find me.

Stop comparing myself to other people.

This is what I do best. Especially on social media. I forget that most things people post on social media are lies, fabrications. You post what you want other people to see. But I am still jealous anyway. I cringe at how perfect other people’s lives are., or appear to be. I want to know no matter how faulted my life is, God can still use me anyway. The stone that the builders rejected might just become the cornerstone you know.

After all God uses the least for his glory

Stop downplaying my value.

There will always be someone better, someone more beautiful, someone more talented, someone better at what I do, but I want to uphold my value.  I will not give up my pursuit of something just because someone is better at it. I will not stop writing just because someone else’ s blog is better than mine. I refuse to give up just because I think I am less.

I want to be faithful.

Matthew 25:14-30

I don’t want to be that person that hid his talent and didn't use it. I want to grow in every area of my life.

I may not know what it is I want to be or do now, but I know that he holds my future in his hands and he knows me.

My own Version of Waiting

You know I had preset Kronos and I had to get married and settle down by a certain age. When he gave me the ring and moved in with me, I was over the roof and happily played wife. Never mind that he DID NOT marry me, eventually. 

I am good at following trends and being cool...like the rest. 

They said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so I perfected my culinary skills. 

They said A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm;  so I toned down my 'nagging', like where have you been the last four nights? We do not have food for the day, any plans? Where is the rent?' 

They said if you should do away with the 'seng'enge ni Ngo'mbe' T-shirt he will never leave your bed. I love to sleep in my socks, but I invested in sexy lingerie even in the freezing July nights.

They said there are some bedroom tricks that will keep him glued, so I attended every Mombasa Raha, Kitchen party and bridal shower in town. 

They said The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down, so I struggled to keep it together even though inside I was falling apart. My heart was in tiny little pieces. I covered all that up with constant partying and drinking. 

All this and nothing changed. So I started the waiting. Waiting for him to change his mind and become THE MAN. I waited for him to finally open his eyes and realize that I am THE ONE. In the end I realized that many other people were waiting in line. It was wasted years. Everything he said to me, he said to a gazzillion other girls. He sent me a text and I saw that same text to someone else, word for word. Full of sweet nothings. SEVEN YEARS. Of messing with me. With my feelings. 

He made me believe that he was doing me a favour by being with me. 

He made me believe that I was worth nothing

He made me believe that I was ugly.

He made me believe that I was damaged goods, see I already have a child, who would look at me? The stretch marks, the body changes every mother experiences. 

He made me believe that I was unlovable and I always settled for close enough. Afterall I had major weaknesses like anger and see I used to have a way with words, call it anger-speak. 

He stripped me naked physically, financially, emotionally.

He took away my innocence, my dignity, my confidence and most importantly my self esteem. 

I walked on minefields for looong. He cheated. He lied. He stole. He broke every promise. He LIED. From the first day. They told me to stay away. I was blinded. By what I thought was love. ''Love may not be literally blind, but it does seem to be literally incapable of reason and the levels of appropriate negativity necessary for realism'' Dr Thomas. It was infatuation. 

See most of US, do not know the difference between infatuation and sense. I for one did not know that you cannot EAT love. Like to settle down you have to make SANE decisions and not be with someone just because you are romantically attracted to them. BOOM. 

I realised that I was in love with the pain he caused me. The pain of betrayal. But wait a minute, there was no love, how can there be betrayal? 

I realised I am always in a hurry to settle down. I dont take time to WAIT. Not for Mr right because I am no Miss right. Just to wait on GOD. His timing. His Choice for me. Because hey, He knows me and HE is the perfect match maker. 

If I had known that it was never about me, all along, if I had known my worth in Christ, If I had known that it was HIM and not ME, then it would have hurt less when I found out about the others waiting in line. 

I am not the perfect girl.

Lipstick doesn't like me, it smudges.

I have lots of bush behaviour. I laugh till I tear. I over-sauce my fries and eat them with my fingers. I also eat chicken with my hands. 

I am crazy about chocolate. I scoop icecream until the bowl needs no washing.

When I am mad I talk and talk and I am not afraid of saying that I am unhappy about x,y,z.

When I am excited my talking is incomprehensible.

My sentences are punctuated by baby girl this, baby girl that because she is my WORLD. 

I am no Cinderella, I am the wicked step mother. I am the FIRE spitting dragon. 

BUT today I make a choice to WAIT.

I choose to wait because I know someone will be okay with this. Okay with my weaknesses. Okay with my imperfection. 

I choose to wait because I don't want to be who I am NOT for the rest of my life. 

I choose to wait because I want the one who gets me. 

I will no longer date randoms.

I will no longer try to be what he wants me to be and act like every word he says is okay.

I will no longer settle for close enough.

I will no longer be in undefined relationships, sometimes just friends, sometimes, more than that depending on the occasion or situation.

I will no longer run to randoms for a temporary high during my low moments

I will no longer confide to a random who will wonder why you are having this conversation with them or maybe who died and made them a shrink. 

I am done with wondering if he is the one, because today he is all over tomorrow he is all zoned out.

I am done with forcing meet ups and hook ups because I am not in any of his plans for the weekend.

I am done with feeling all down because he didnt call, or text, or forgot my birthday yet I made myself his agenda.

They all say just settle for any one. 'tafuta kamtu tu wakujishikilia', see you have a child, how old are you again? 

But I know that HE will restore all that I have lost. All the years that the locust has eaten. 

He will give me a good husband and a father to my child. 

I want to be loved because I have never known true love. 

I want to be wanted for more than just my body

I long for genuine 'how are you's not just as conversation starters

I long to be cared for and pampered

I crave to be wanted, to be missed.

SO, 

I shall wait for the one who is after God's own heart

I shall wait for the one who is saved not lukewarm because I will not do ministry dating. Dating and hoping to make him like God. 

I shall wait for the visionary and a leader who will be responsible for everything around me.

I shall wait for the cultivator who will make me a better person and will make everything around me better.

I will wait for the teacher who will teach me God's word daily and educate my daughter and I on the things we do not know

I shall wait for the protector who will protect us physically and emotionally and will always want what is best for us.

I shall wait for the provider who will provide for us whole heartedly

I shall wait for he who is honest. No more LIES. 

So on this day I make a decision TO WAIT. I SHALL WAIT. 

Saying Goodbye....My way (cont)

This is a sequel to....saying-goodbyewhat-do-you-say-to-kid.

When my mentor said she cannot tell me what to do, that all the answers I needed were in the bible I thought she was Crazy...how can a book help you when you don’t know what to do? Well that's exactly where I found my strength, my comfort and most importantly wisdom. THE WORD OF GOD. This far we have come He has indeed been Ebenezer, because you know what? people, physical people, will eventually give up on you, they will get tired of listening to your worries and rants but the most high God will never forsake you. 

God orders the footsteps of the righteous man, if you sit with him daily and walk with him in all your ways He will show you which way to go. During my LOST moments I happened to run into someone. A RANDOM person. I don't know what led me to him. He was so cuddly. Nope I didn't cuddle with him.  During our conversation, he revealed to me that he has had TWO losses in his life. In a span of ONE Year. First his own child then later his wife. Yet through all that he was able to start over again without EVER questioning God. That was ten years ago. 

So how old was the other kid (He had two kids), when your wife died? He was four. Exactly my daughter’s age when her daddy died. Coincidence? no, God?, yes!. I was super excited that I finally found someone I can relate with, someone who has been through that and came out in one piece! He walked me through his journey and I was super impressed. He answered even the simplest of questions. He was very patient even when I started my ghost questions. Yes, yes I know ghosts don't exist but I still ask. (eyes rolling) 

I have decided to share my journey because someone is going through exactly what I went through. Someone out there could be as lost as I was. No, the ‘He went to Jesus’ story doesn't work for all kids. I am no doctor or psychologist. This worked for us. It might or might not be applicable for or to you, just like the ‘he went up or he is sleeping’ story didn't work for me. I found being real and true to yourself, really simple.

Show Emotion:

I cried in my closet. I didn't want baby girl to see me crying. I would sniff and pretend I have a cold because my eyes were blood shot from all the crying. She didn't show emotion. She was just as blank as they come. I didn’t show her that it is okay to cry. Yes, it is OKAY to cry. To let it out. One morning she asked me in a really soft voice if I was sure her daddy wasn’t coming back. There was a sting of pain in her voice. I said yes. She started ranting about how much she misses him, how much she wants him, how much she wants to kiss his face. I felt her pain that day. She looked so sad and so helpless. I broke down. We held on to each other for a loooong time and I felt some peace. For the first time since the news, she CRIED. I was glad I showed her that it is okay to cry by being the first to cry. I can never hear the last of that though. She had never seen me crying. It was worth it. Our relationship changed that morning and we started talking about him and about everything with deep passion. She requested for a photo of the two of them together and I printed something for her but later made a whole scrap book of them together at different points of her life. She held on to that photo and during the next few days I caught her kissing the photo and talking to it. I guess her way of letting go. 

2. Explain death

This was my hardest part. Once I got comfortable with expressing my emotions around baby girl, I knew that I needed to address the elephant in the room. In fact I think I got too comfortable until one day she caught me off-guard with her questions. '' Where did my daddy go to?"" I said the usual...''to Jesus.''...No explain how? She became firm and no matter how many dudus I showed her she was adamant. I know she is past the age of being distracted by dudus. I knew the time was right. I told her this weekend you are going to get all the answers you have been looking for. 

That weekend we took a trip to my HOME. Where I was born. Where my mummy's remains lay. When we got home, of course after settling in and all that I started showing her around our home. That was her second visit. The first she was about two years old. She was amazed at how old and rickety it looked, like it was about to fall. And bushy, boy I have never seen her more irked out. I took out a picture of my mum. She looks(ed) exactly like my younger siz. Tall and slender. Not skinny. Slender. I asked her if she recognized the person in the photo. She confidently said si that’s Aunty N I shook my head nope. This is my mummy. Her eyes popped in disbelief. ‘Your mummy?’ I said yes

'' Where is she?""

"She is with Jesus"

''Why?'

That was my cue. I had rehearsed for this. 

"See, one day something happened to her and her heart stopped beating''

''She went to sleep?''

''No, she didn't go to sleep. It was 9 O'clock in the morning. She wasn't sleepy. When we sleep we wake up. She didn't wake up. She has never woken up'

Blank look.

''Um See when you are alive like you and I right now, you can smile, you can blink like this, you can wiggle like this...'

she joined in

'''you can laugh and shaky shaky shaky...

'Yes you can do all that and much, much more. But one day Jesus will take that away. At His own time and that's when we say you have gone to be with Jesus. You are dead.

''Oh like my daddy?''

''Yes''

''and your mummy?''

''mmm'' glad I was getting somewhere.

''So you don't have a mummy and I don't have a daddy''

How old were you? Um I was ten...really? (Not really). How old are you now....one million and one? She laughed. 

Then we went out. I took her to my mummy's grave. 

''This is where she is resting''

"In the soil? Yaak, si she is getting germs?""

''Yes but she is okay'' I guess.
Nope she doesn't know her daddy is also in the soil. Not yet. 

Then we talked about germs and who was touching germs in school. After a loong chit chat of this and that and a gazzilion questions about my home, I asked her whether she understood our conversation. She assured me that she did and knows now where her daddy is. 

Great. Thank you Jesus. Slowly she went back to her normal self. All bubbly and super annoying :) She mentions her daddy in passing but understands he is not with us. No he is not sleeping. 

Glory to God for the strength because without him I would be nothing. It is a journey. I know. I know that I will get more questions later. I am prepared and I have promised myself to answer them as best as I can. No more avoidance. I know that she will probably need her daddy more when she is a teenager. I probably will face resistance when I want to settle down, with a man. She will probably want a connection with her paternal relatives. You know what, I am not afraid. Because I know God is faithful. He has seen us through this past five months. Yes it has been ONLY five months. He will see us through the next 20 years. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death we will fear nothing because I KNOW he will be right there with us. Watching over us. Everyday. He is the father to the fatherless. Psalms 68:5

Our daily, DAILY prayer is Psalms 23. We are going to take one day at a time and choose to rejoice every single day. 

Glory to GOD.