Dented Relationships

I grew up in a close knit family. During our teenage years, my siblings and I went everywhere together and people were amazed at how inseparable we were.We laughed at the same jokes. We had the same circle of friends. We went to the same clubs. Until college when we all moved to different towns which resulted in a shift to the opposite directions.

Today for some reason, I remembered the 'oga guy'. One day one of my sisters invited my pal and I to one of her many parties in a foreigners house (West African) not sure if it was Ghanaian or Nigerian, anyway, he lived in one of those posh houses. I can be a bit choosy in what I eat, okay, very, very choosy, so my siz warned me in advance about the cuisine. So I promised her that I would behave. Getting there, our host was nice, and after going through the albums and soft drinks it was time to dig in to the food. The table was nicely set  and the food was looking really yummy. I received a phone call so I excused myself, getting back I found everyone else had already started eating but they were giving me very strange looks! Okay I ignored and took my plate and served, I took the first bite and what! No it wasn’t yummy, I spat it out and cursed out loud! What the hell was that? It was as slimy as a snail (not that I have tasted one) and just couldn’t get down, I took the rest of the food and took it to the kitchen dust bin. I asked the rest of the girls how they were ENJOYING such a meal and they just nodded their sentiments! And yes continued eating without making faces! How now? Well need I say the host wasn’t happy neither was my sister. You guessed right, of course I spoilt their friendship but she later thanked me because apparently the host was a known drug baron..okay story for another day. So I was convinced that the oga guy decided to cook for us snails and call it meat. It’s alright. My sister tried to convince me that it was chicken but hell I am traditional and if it’s chicken I have to actually taste the chicken and be able to chew on the bones, you know? I hate boneless chicken. So my siz gave up and every time I told that story I would refer to him as ‘the oga who made for us snails’, goodness me. I came to discover years later (just the other day) that that slimy thing was actually not snails but okra. Yeah, yeah I know, fyuks I didn’t eat a snail, but I had never tasted okra before! 

We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out - Winstone Churchill

 I am known to speak out, silence is not my language because When I kept silent my bones wasted away. Psalms 32:3. I have never known how to be quiet when things go wrong. I can never pretend to love/like someone when  deep down I feel otherwise. I am the worst person to gossip with because later I will tell you infront of the person you were gossiping to repeat what you said to me. I do not know how to hide feelings of resentment. I once got a thorough beating from my mum for innocently revealing her true sentiments about a lady called Paulina (Kalenjin for Pauline) who used to come to our place every day precisely at lunch time. My mum used to be so bitter but would hug her and serve her food, so I told her exactly that. Well my mum brushed it off and said ‘uh you know kids’ but I was so darn serious. 

My being unable to hide my true feelings has gotten me into trouble, I have lost friends and family. I hate pretense. I cannot fake anything, even a smile. I am me. I wish I could just be fake for just a day, but no, fake smiles kill me, fake hugs burn me.

            “All of these are layers of layers of unspoken words that we never said that we rather ignore    and stay in comfortable superficial layer” ― Vira Luna 

No family is perfect. Due to different personalities, people tend to fall out. Mostly taking sides and you may find yourself on your own. 

Do you have your own share of family FEUDS? Is it because of the decisions you made, or your big mouth or your personality or something you stood for? Have you ever felt like the black sheep? Seeing major events being planned, photos being exchanged, decisions being made and you only get MENTIONS when conclusions are drawn. Like I have made a decision to do a,b,c and so and so is helping me, meaning they sought opinions from other people and not you. Do you feel like no one seeks your opinion on anything anymore, cuz hell your opinion does not make a difference anyway. All they want to know is what you are doing to change your situation.. Every conversation revolves around making your life better. You  improving your lifestyle. It gets irritating you know, especially when you are doing everything you can to get a better job, to do a side hustle that can bring additional income. One thing that you should know honey is that God’s timing is PERFECT and you cannot overtake HIS timing, no matter what you do. Time and chance happen to all Ecclesiastes 9:11

However always try to be that bigger person and try to close any gap that you have created with your family or friends or whoever else, I have tried not to hold grudges, to ignore the past and move on, but the boundaries are still being stepped on, the same questions still come up, why is my life stuck? Why I am still hanging on to the same job? What I am doing about school? It’s sickening and you dread that chat, that call!

No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has two sides. Try to Step into the other person's shoes and try to see their side of the story. Try to understand the other person and why they acted in a hurtful way. Try not to judge them. Conversely, examining YOUR role in the feud. Did YOU do or say something hurtful? Did YOU promise something and then backed out of YOUR agreement?

What I have learnt is that people will PUSH you to make decisions and PLEDGE their support but once you have made that decision you are on your own. Do something because you WANT to not because you HAVE to, or someone ADVISED you to do it and pledged their support. Nobody will ever follow up to know if you are okay, how you are making ends meet. 
 
I miss laughing at everything that flies, I miss acting all silly and talking after breakfast till its lunch and we haven’t done any chores. I miss being involved in decisions being made, even it its not about me. I miss what I had. I miss my old life. I miss being young and carefree. 

God's word says that everything works out for good for those that love Him Romans 8:28...my own family feud led me to start journaling, hence blogging,  I drew closer to God and now have a REAL relationship with HIM I know that no matter what happens, no matter where I am in my life, He is still GOD  and HE will never, ever leave my side. 

Keep in mind: If God forbid whoever you are having a fight with left today, what would be left unsaid? 

No Strings Attached?

Most people want to eat their cake and still have it. They want to have the benefits of being in a relationship yet they don't want to be committed in any way. That is why they settle for a no-strings-attached kind of thing.

According to Wikipedia this is where two people decide to engage in a sexual relationship that has no ties or expectation with regards to finances, exclusivity or romance. Literally, there are no strings binding the two together.

Most women say they are cool with it, at first it is all fun and games until feelings start cropping up. Men hardly get attached because they get casual with girls they know they will never end up with! Yes it is only natural to start developing feelings for the person you sex several times. Especially if its a sober decision. This can scientifically be explained as thus: The key hormone released during sex called oxytocin, lowers our defenses and makes us trust people more. It makes women want to cuddle and get attached after sex.

When the man has orgasm on the other hand, the main hormone released is dopamine - the pleasure hormone, that has a high effect just like the cocaine high and can be addictive. That is why he keeps calling you, not because he likes you so much, but because he wants that high he got, that pleasure he got after the sex you had. If he likes you that much, how come he doesn't know your second name? or what gets you? or have something more with you?

He will not bother to spoil you, because he already tasted the cookie. When you start asking for stuff he says you are nagging. He feels the pinch every time he has to spend a dime on you, you can read his face. There are so many words left unspoken. He never compliments you, never bothers to hook up with you in the light, he waits for the stick to direct him, then he can call when the night falls.

When you are going through stuff you cant talk to him, because he freaks out when the conversations start getting personal. Sometimes all a woman wants to do is cry and speak to someone about deep stuff. You'll always get along, because hell, it doesn't have to last. Anytime he calls you don't have to call back. You don't have to ask what he is doing, or who he is doing for that matter. Everyone wants a lover like that, always playing fire under covers, never catching feelings, never fighting, never airing your opinions and allowing the other person to mute you. 

After the sex what next? Every man thrills in pursuing a woman. When you roll in his sheets that's it, he has lost the zeal and interest and respect even for you. Sorry to disappoint you honey but casual sex hardly ever amounts to anything. It will be a relationship built on no trust because both of you will be looking over your shoulder thinking the other person is cheating.

Now that we know that women get attached unknowingly, what should THE MAN do:

Men, stop stringing women along:
Well for starters men should stop confusing women! Don't cuddle with the woman you just want to roll in the sheets with. Don't call her to talk about your day. Don't talk about your future or anything that will make her believe that you want more.

Don't buy her small gifts..
Most women are into chocolates! Okay I am so into chocolates and sweet nothings. Yeah, yeah, I know sometimes its a copy-pasted text BUT yaaay it gets me! Don't buy her chocolates or anything if you aren't that into her. Just let the buying out..Otherwise you are sending mixed signals. Don't send texts with sweet nothings either that get women all giggly and dreamy.

Stop before it gets too complicated...
This is my number one rule. When you notice that she is beginning to be all feely, just do both of you a favor and leave before it gets messier. This is way better than stringing that woman along.

There are some biblical principles that can be applied to no strings attached. Teaching us to keep our bodies for only that ONE man within  MARRIAGE. Ephesians 5:3 says: 'But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints'

My favorite bible verse when it comes to sexual matters is 1 Corinthians 6: 18-20. This should direct us in what we do with our bodies. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

If you wanna have a SANCTIFIED marriage someday, stay PURE. Once you get all naked with a man, your worth goes down, its like your price tag is changed, well to a LESSER value, he will only see you as a sex object and will not try to know you outside the bedroom. If you as a woman are unable to control your sexual urges, you need deliverance! No really you do. We should learn to have self control according to....Proverbs 25:28 A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. But at the end of the day, what do you feed your mind? Do your conversations with whoever revolve around sex? Who do you hang out with? Our parents used to urge us to maintain 'HOLY GAPS' when hanging out with men. Now I see why.

The next time you feel tempted to call up your fling, fight the feeling. Bury your heart in God's word. Don't ALLOW your flesh to rule you.


You cant make chicken salad out of chicken shit.