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I have discovered that I get things off my chest by writing. That's my form of release. My way of letting go. No one understands what I am going through so I am going to write until I feel okay. I might just go ahead and edit the description of this blog and name it here and there or of randomness.That being said here goes my first series of rantings....series because this cannot be done in one blog post.
Why is it that when someone dies all their secrets are exposed. Like everything that they have been hiding in that dark little closet is unleashed. All the skeletons come out in unison. The double life or millionth life they lived is brought to light. Is it because that person is no longer here to defend themselves? Every time I see wrangles during burials I am like maybe its because of the money but nope it isn't always necessarily about the money, I have witnessed people who have died poorer than a church mouse yet a gazzilion women have come out to pledge allegiance. (Read sex relations aka one night stands, one week stands, side dishes, mamas). Beats me. My prayer has and will always be to live such a straight, honourable, and decent life (I am no angel no) without dark secrets that when my time comes my baby won't have to make up all sorts of lies to cover my shame or struggle with my eulogy/tribute like you know writing a million words then erasing then writing again with no words to say because she doesn't have NICE and KIND words to say about me. So help me God.
I will always remember November the 5th 2014 like it was yesterday, right down to the pant I had on that day. My sister kept calling me like she was being chased by bees trying to get me to leave my desk. She even told me that she had just hit a jackpot. See to get me to meet you just mention cake, or chocolate or chips. So she finally remembered that and she was like ''kuja nikubuyie cake''. I forgot I was busy and I jumped out like a crazy person. Darn, she just had to ruin cake city for me :( We went to cake city but something that struck me is that she started taking away all that I had, my phone, my money and I was like yo I thought you were buying. She was like I just want you to enjoy your cake. Girl you know I can eat cake sitting on top of a garbage truck and I would still enjoy it down to the last crumb? In my head I be like this jackpot must be real how about we just buy a blue subaru? lol.
She waited patiently for me to finish my cake (bless her soul) all this time she still had my phone (how creepy). Then it happened. She showed me a status update. Facebook. "Please pray for me. I just lost my eldest brother Insert Name....'' I almost threw her phone right across cake city. I found out HIS death through a FACEBOOK UPDATE. No one bothered to call me. I was forgotten until it was convenient for them to remember I existed. We existed.
Events that followed that are unprintable. Indescribable. I was broken. I went from being mad, to angry, to sad. I didn't know if I should cry? or laugh? or wail? So I just went with crying. I cried my eyes out. I didn't react crazily until the day I came back from where he lost his life. During my flight my emotions were all over the place, the guy sitted next to me must have had a story to tell. But I didn't care. I just wanted to CRY. When I got to the house, I strew everything all over the house I was SO SO MAD. Its a miracle I didn't break my one inch TV. My sis came to my rescue. I had so many things I wanted to tell him. So many words left unsaid. I kept postponing and pushing the grand meeting. He said he wanted to celebrate his birthday with the three special women in his life. His words, not mine. His mum, his daughter and I. He did. But we didn't have the 'conversation'. Little did we know that, that would be his last birthday. He turned 34.
See our relationship was complicated. The first few years were bliss. We were in love. I was so in love. Or so I thought. We laughed together, went places, watched movies, laughed at the same jokes, idled around called each other pet names. He called me 'Secreto'. I loved soaps you know. We chatted the whole day and never seemed to run out of words. We even moved in together. It was like nollywood. Nothing mattered. As time went by we developed MAJOR differences. I will not point fingers and say who was right or who was wrong. We both played a part in what happened. I am no angel. He is defenceless now (clearly) and I refuse to taint him. One morning I decided to call it quits. We parted ways. At first we would spend our days exchanging bitter words. I did the abusing. He did the fuelling. He would send me airtime and I would text. Boy you know I can text till the last coin. Till I am told you have insufficient funds. I was so bitter at all the things he did or didn't do. I found God and I stopped doing the push and pull. We moved on. He moved on. I moved on. One major thing though. He FORGOT to mention to his peeps that we were no longer together that we were apart and he was already with someone else. I don't know why. I still don't understand why. This really brought a lot of COMPLICATIONS later. I did the telling. Thing is it got to a point we stopped talking. We were noble in a SILENT way.
Now that I have painted a picture of my life, the BIG question remains; how do you mourn someone you had differences with, someone you stopped having conversations with, someone you were angry and bitter at?
Don't get me wrong. I finally went through a program that helped me and I went through counselling with my pastor to take away all the bitterness and anger that I felt towards him. But as you can see, I FORGAVE. But I have never FORGOTTEN all the things he did. During that period his friends would send me texts to say how much he LOVED me and His daughter. What is love? He never showed it. His texts said I love you. His last words to me and my daughter when we last saw him a few months before his death were that we meant the world to him. I will never understand what love meant to him. How he treated the ones he loved. How he expressed love. Even when he was with someone else he still sent the texts up until the last minute. I will never understand what he was going through. I stopped guessing and chose to focus on my life. All he kept saying was I love you. I love you. I love you. Never showed it. (I have repeated that I know). Maybe they were just words.
I was confused. I was LOST. I was angry. But I didn't know exactly how to mourn. Everyone is confused when someone you know, a loved one or relative or friend or colleague passes on. Given. The mourning process is always natural and you don't have to ask yourself or any other person how to go about it. What was/is wrong with me? Cant I just go with the tides and mourn and close that chapter? Like everyone said I should do? They all said you will get over it. How do you just get over death. It is permanent! I knew that no one understands/understood how I felt. So I turned to smiling and nodding and saying yeah I am fine, we are fine, like with a stagger. Nope I haven't gone back to drinking.
If you are in an abusive relationship like your spouse beats you up and all that, or you have a parent who hasn't been so nice (using polite words). You know damaged relationships. Some people have that. Some do not get the chance to mend the relationship before the cruel hand of death snatches them away. So how will you react? See? You haven't thought about it because we all live in a fantasy world and we never prepare for death. Infact its a taboo to talk about death. We never like to think about death until someone real close dies then we are nudged to think about it then after the burial all goes back to normal and death again goes to the back of our minds until something happens. So when that person who wasn't really in your good books passes on, will you jump and say yaaaay, or will you mourn? will your mourning be genuine?
How did I classify my grief as complicated? Complicated because of the 'complicated relationship' and complicated according to medical terms (Symptoms according to Mayoclinic and others) Just my way of breaking it down. I am no doctor.
1. It is obvious that I wasnt in good terms with the person that died.
2. I have strong feelings of disbelief about his death and I keep hoping its a prank.
3. I am in shock, and emotionally numb
4. Up until now I feel emotionally activated when His name is mentioned or anything he did
5. I am angry and bitter about his death not him, the death.
6. I feel extreme Sadness and Pain. I still cry like crazy.
I confided in my mentor. All I needed was advise. She told me the only person who can touch me right now is God. I was like wow, how now? I went into aggressive prayer and fasting. Like fire spitting prayers. I knew that this battle was not mine. Is not mine.
Since its still a process...I will blog about how I handled it once I am through with the process...may take a few days or months or years......watch this space.,,,,,, in the meantime bear with my rantings...
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God is close to the broken hearted.
still Broken.
to be continued.................................................................
still Broken.
to be continued.................................................................
