I started this year with a simple prayer to God. Break me and mould me for thou art the potter and I am the clay. Didn't know that he would take it way too seriously lol.
2014 happened in bits, like phases.
1st Phase
Anger Breaking
I have had anger management issues for the longest time and I speak what comes to my mind, most of the time awful things. I never used to care about how people feel about how I speak and all that. I disagreed with a group, actually two groups, I had been part of for a long time and instead of saying my goodbyes well, I threw random words around. I thank God because that was my awaking to deal with anger. God convicted me and I apologised, some were well taken some not, either way I got it off my chest then started the process. I am still work in progress but I must say that anger is no longer a major concern for me, I get pissed off yes, I throw random words yes, I speak out yes, but I am more controlled all glory to HIM alone.
I learnt that you do not owe anyone anything and you can walk in total freedom if only you let go of many, many things.
2nd Phase
Souring new heights
The second quarter was a pretty good one, I got a new job, yes finally! I met new people, I attended my first ever ideagasm and walaa I made new friends, people that have influenced me in one way or another, people that have brought tremendous changes in my life. People that have encouraged me to write. People that have been my critics and take time to read my heart rantings on my blog and I am truly thankful for this.
This was the best part of my year as it was all about souring new heights, doing new things and getting a hold of new opportunities. I have so many new pieces that I am yet to type out, yes type out, I handwrite my articles you know since I have no laptop. This new job is CRAZY busy and when I get home all I want to do is laze around.
This is the quarter I learnt the phrase 'tenda wema uende zako' (loosely translated as do good and don't expect anything in return). I made a lot of sacrifices that were taken fore granted, clearly I did things for the wrong reasons. I have learnt to do things just because and not so that. For example I will not be a KYM (Kanda ya Moko) as in the handy woman in your wedding so that you can be in mine, but I will do it just because you are my friend.
Last Phase
I ended my year with pain, <betrayal and pain> I discovered things that hurt me beyond measure. I was unsure about things that happened and how they happened. Within a span of two months, God took away that person before I was able to understand stuff, before I got answers from that person. I didn't question God's motives But I wondered why I had to discover all the things I did before he took him away.
To crown it all, people never understood my pain. Well there were two categories here, some who didn't understand why I cried yet we were apart and some who wondered why I didn't cry enough, why I didn't mourn in public and all. They wanted me to stand and mourn like nothing happened between us, hurtful words were spoken about our relationship, well broken relationship, and yet no one has ever walked a mile in my shoes. I shut my ears to the NOISE and I did it my own way and God has given me joy and peace that has surpassed every human understanding.
I learnt that grieve is a journey you walk ALONE, you alone will have the sleepless nights and then wake up and do your thing when morning comes, like a boss. You alone will wet your pillow all through the night and smile during the day. You alone will answer your baby when she throws random and unexpected questions about the dad and finally you alone will start the baby training again when she starts to retrogress. Baby girl has stopped asking questions, everyone has gone back to their normal lives. Some days I am okay, other days I am angry, some I am pissed off, and some I am teary and sad. Yep its true what they say, life does not stop when you are gone, therefore make your legacy a good one.
I have learnt so many lessons through this whole thing and I pray that this experience may be a lesson to someone else. Especially people that I care about, people that I am close with.
of the festive season:
This festive season was plain empty. I didn't get the joy and thrill of the festive season even though I bought the Christmas hats, yep, I am that creepy. Cakes went uneaten for days in the fridge, baby girl did all the eating, I kept a chocolate for ages,imagine me looking at a chocolate without going crazy? There was no thrill for all the junk imagine, I was just like a zombie. I felt like a third wheel everytime I went somewhere I have no idea why. I was just home mostly fighting for the TV with baby girl and cooking her faves. Funny thing is this is the Christmas that I didn't get gifts (except from my siz who gives me random gifts, no occasion required), so it complimented my mood, perfectly :(. I sure hope my baby had a wonderful Christmas, I sure pray that we will have better days ahead.
To God be the glory. The Verse that has kept me going in 2014 is: Deut 33:27
The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
And he thrust out the enemy before you
and said, ‘Destroy.’
This year all I need is to live for GOD to know Him more.
Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
teach me your paths.
5Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.
No comments:
Post a Comment