When It's all been said and done

When it's all been said and done

All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I have done
For love's rewards
Will stand the test of time 

(Don Moen)

I have pondered over this post for eternity because I have no words to put on paper. Everything that was to be said between us remains unsaid. Yes literally.

I want to say that I forgive you for the BROKEN promises.

I forgive you for the lies, ENDLESS lies.

I forgive you for not TRYING.

I will never understand how you lived.

I will never understand why you would make promises and not keep them

I will never understand why you lied about literally everything, even the simplest things like where you are.

How could you come look me in the eye and say you want to restore what we had,

Yet you already moved on and lived with another.

How could you look me in the eye and say your heart beats for no other yet you made love to another.

Baby girl looked forward to your visits, because it meant access to all the illegals.

She looked forward to your calls, and her eyes twinkled when you called.

She held on to every promise you made, yet none was fulfilled.

She asked many whys and yet I had no becauses.

She loved you so much yet I had to force you to show her some love.

I had to force you to send stuff

I had to make you call her.

Breaks my heart to know that she wasn't your number one, like you always said. Actions speak louder than words, you know,

Breaks my heart to know that you claimed I denied you access to be a father yet you were too busy chasing other things

Breaks my heart to know that TO YOU  life was at a statue as it waited for you to organise your stuff, like you liked to say. 

I hope you finally found what you were looking for.

I truly hope you were okay,

I truly hope you felt fulfilled every time you went to sleep 

and most importantly I hope you were truly HAPPY.

Your life was a mystery and your death too is a mystery

Your betrayal cut me deep. You hurt me deep in 2011/12. You resurrected the hurt before you left and now I have to let go of the hurt before I can truly mourn you. 

I miss the days you were my sunshine.

I miss the days you made me laugh even when I was so mad

I miss the days  all we did was watch movies (okay you watched movies while I slept),

I miss the days that we didn't have a care in the world and nothing else mattered

I miss the genuine I love you's and the genuine compliments.

I wish I didn't find out anything, then maybe it would have been different.

I wish you could answer all the questions that I have, that we have.

I truly wish it wasn't complicated.

I don't know yet what to say to baby girl,

I don't know yet how to describe you to her,

I don't know yet how to explain stuff'

I don't wanna lie about anything,

I hope she never asks. 

Today marks a month since you went six feet under. 

May you rest in eternal peace

Baby Girl will sure miss you. 

This will be her first Christmas without you.

I will be the best mother I can be.

She will always be my number one, and you know that. 

Dance with the angels. 

You have taught me two things:

1 Don't wait until tomorrow to solve unresolved issues because you may never know the truth and tomorrow may never come. 

2 Choices have consequences

BROKEN.