The Angry Widow

PHOTO:COURTESY

Yes, yes yes, go ahead just laugh if you want to. I am not a widow, heck I was not even married. Seven years of games and near-married-experiences. I have no idea how I got here. Every time I google to look for someone going through my hell I find nothing. Everything I find is on widows who were so, so in love and have nothing but FOND memories of their spouses. I thought I saw a page full of dead-beat dads somewhere, no? maybe it was all made up. Everyone seems to glorify the dead. It is like I didn't get the memo that said once you die you suddenly become a saint even if you were a total douchebag here on earth. Oh Please someone pin it up? like now? 

Oh dear world forgive me for thinking the earth revolves around me. Like its always about me and my feelings. If I hate broccoli all of you should go ahead and hate it too! I completely forget people are allowed to like broccoli. Even if it tastes so so yaaaaak to me. I always tend to forget one thing. A person may have been flawed to ME but had people who loved him that way or even overlooked their flaws. I know, I am so flawed myself and someone out there hates me so bad.

Why the title? Oh hail sarcasm. I have always wanted to get married. I have visions of my wedding down to the theme. I have longed to have the dash in my name. No I have never planned to change my name but I have always wanted to have the dash. You know B****-Someonesomeone. No you wont get it. 

Be kind to the person who leaves a mark not a scar. 

I am one scarred person. DEEPLY SCARRED. No wounded. Every time I am close to forming a scar, something bruises the wound again and again. Its like I am addicted to the pain from this wound. I forgave and let go. But the pain just keeps coming back, especially when I walk down memory lane.

I was so content with sending him constant reminders of how big an idiot he was and how much of my time he had wasted. Exact words. I had sworn that I would send him the messages till kingdom come. He never responded but I got the satisfaction that he read them, (you know that feeling, right?) well until one day he told me that he didn't even read them. Bummer.

THEN DEATH HAPPENED. And the messages had to stop. BUT NOTHING CHANGED. My feelings didn't change.  

The dead cannot cry out for justice neither can they defend themselves and MY ANGER thus has no where to go. If he had died in January or February or March, when he was a perfect stranger, then I would feel nothing like zero. Of course I would MOURN deeply for my daughter who loved him so very much but not for myself. Just like the way you would do for someone you used to know, but not intimately. But he made contact, like all he wanted to do was to torment me right before he left. How do you explain that? Like he knew how I had picked up the pieces of my life and moved on, (except the texting part), right, then he said oh well let me come and mess up her life one last time. 

He resurfaced. LIED. LIED and lied. I almost believed that he would literally die without me. Okay I almost believed I was the one that made his heart skip a beat... oh well that I was the one he would move mountains for. Si he told me I am the only bean in his githeri? Boy he hated githeri. See we girls are so vulnerable. We fall so easily, especially if you had a weak spot for that person before. All I wanted was to see our family together again. For baby girl at least, she loved her dad to bits. 

I AM ANGRY because everyone asks why are you hurting? Si you two had separated? Kwani I am a stone? The years I shared with Him we were strangers ama? Newsflash. I am a human being with blood in my veins. Healing is NOT INSTANT COFFEE! Give a sister TIME. And don't ask me how are you as a greeting. Stick to hi ama sasa. I am the same as I was yesterday or the day before or the day before that. BROKEN.

Please take a sneak-peek of my life: 

(Extract Courtesy)

Me:Love... grief... heartache... sad eyes. Death emission overload.

MY FRIENDS: Refuse to listen/observe. Offers platitudes.

ME: Grief... heartache... sad eyes. Death emission overload.

MY FRIEND: Refuse to listen. More platitudes. Push against death emissions. Suppress.

ME: Reacts to grief suppression. Anger... rage... irritation...

MY FRIEND: Push push push... keep pushing until she smiles.

Ignore... ignore... ignore... keep ignoring until she smiles.

Distract distract distract... keep distracting until she smiles.

ME: Smiles with sad eyes.

MY FRIEND: Observes 'smile'. Relief!

Hallelujah, she's healed.

Long live [the pretence of] immortality. 

 The only hope for those around me is that I move on quickly, suppress the grief, smile and look on the bright side. People will always look for 'the bright side' regardless of how screwed up things are. 

I believe that if you can look me straight in the eye and lie to me then you have no respect for me at all. 

Most people are angry because they now have to pay bills on their own, they could have endless court wrangles over property, or what not, but not me. Nothing changed. I still depend on GOD entirely for our provision. For our DAILY bread. He gives it to us. I still make sacrifices for baby girl. Relax there was no fortune. So no I am not suddenly the rich widow.  

I am just gonna go ahead and address him. 

Dear Husband,

I wonder if you saw this: when-its-all-been-said-and-done. Just checking because I didn't get the relief I was hoping for and I am still hurting. 

Let me remind you of two important dates. 5th May 2009. We made promises. Lots of promises. It was the best weekend of my life. 14th February 2010. Baby girl was here, you bought us flowers she couldn't feel yet, she was weeks old. But we renewed the promises and called them vows and included her. The first was? never to betray each other. To always stand by each other. It was my best valentines, still is so far. No you didn't seem to remember those dates. 

I AM so ANGRY because of the way things unfolded. I wish I could just scream. I cannot even begin to put down on paper about why I am angry. We were taught to respect the dead. I wish to be respected when I die. I wish I had the freedom to just write all the madness . I wish you could hear me right now. 

I am angry because when they sent messages to taunt me and torment me, making me feel so low, making me feel the side dish, (yet you said I was the one, the one that you took home to your parents,)

you defended them instead of me, 

I needed you to protect my emotions but you made me feel like a street whore. 

When I almost lost all my family because of you know what, I stood up for you, I protected you,

and when they almost left, I needed you to be the only family left, 

Instead you left leaving behind a big trail of damage. 

When I was angry and full of rage, 

I needed you to reassure me and calm me down,

instead you mocked me and made me feel like a monster. 

I cried myself to sleep so many times because of all the broken promises,

I needed you to be there because you promised to always be there,

instead you were the one that caused all the pain and tears.

I needed you to provide for us, to be the father,

instead you spent your money pursuing other things,

eating like a king, expensive clothes and designer colognes, creating the illusion of rich,

but in reality people who mattered lived in utter desperation.

I needed you to be there when baby girl was unwell,

All you said was 'May God Heal her'

Then you went ahead to make it rain for THEM, not bothered at all about baby girl's health, two weeks before you died. 

We felt so unloved.

We needed you to say that we mean the world to you,

we needed you to say that you love us EXCLUSIVELY,

Instead I learnt that the words I love you are MEANINGLESS, 

Finally I needed answers when all the allegations were made against you,

when everyone stood up and said all the nasty things, and disrespected us, we were crushed, 

Instead here I am speaking to the computer hoping you will rise and say they were all lies. That you never meant to embarrass baby girl and I. That it was all a prank and we can wake up and re-live again. That we actually MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU. That WHAT WE HAD was not but a show. 

I am so scarred I don't even know if I will ever LOVE again.

I have no idea why you resurfaced.

I am so MAD at you I am Literally spitting FIRE. 

Feel FREE to leave a response right here when you get the chance.

Signed, your beloved wife now turned; 

The angry widow.  

Of Loneliness

I Love my dad. We gossip, he always asks me 'habari ya watoto', maybe he thinks I have more than one child or he is counting the ones yet to be born? I speak to my dad every morning. He calls at 7am religiously. On my way to work. In a noisy matatu. When I pick and he hears the noisy background (loud music) he knows I am okay, so he says. I like to flash, flash, flash (that's cheap for giving him missed calls) just to annoy him. If he doesn't call for some reason (hardly), and I call in the evening and hear a drunken hello I know he is okay, so I just annoyingly hang up. I have been unwell for quite sometime and coincidentally during that time he didn't call me for like three days. Maybe he was swarmed in some drinking den somewhere. It was a long weekend. I didn't have the strength either to call him. He calls one morning and I am in bed, he is shocked, what where is the music? why is it quiet? why are you in bed? Then I tell him I am unwell. He freaks out and begins to go on a guilt trip, maybe I should have checked on you yesterday or the day before, did you go to hospital? has anyone (my siblings) come to see you? Then he goes on a calling rampage and calls everyone who knows me to say that I am unwell. That day I was reminded how much he cares about me. We have a love hate relationships. But he cares. 

That morning I realised that I am craving for something. Something deep. AFFECTION. Just someone to check up on me and ask if I am okay. That gesture of dropping by just to check how am doing. Here is the headliner.

I feel lonely every single day. I am just afraid to admit it to the people around me lest I be deemed clingy. No This is not related to Baby daddy's death. Maybe it is. Many unsent texts and unspoken words. Its just some hollow feeling. Like I don't know who I am. Like I am depressed. 

I just want to feel like I am important to someone. SIMPLE. 

I took a self audit and realised that I have been attracting all the negative men, awful bunch and the 'bad boys' because of my self esteem. Feelings of inadequacy. Its like I have this HUGE void in my soul. I keep settling for less than I deserve and I feel like everyone is out to get me. No matter how good their intentions are. I recently met a man, handsome and young, seemed to have everything going for him and looked well put together. He pursued me, really did, BUT due to my low self esteem and getting used to attracting all the wrong kind, I kept looking for what was wrong with him instead of focusing on everything that was right about him. I eventually concluded that he is too young for me (he is 28) and closed that chapter. sigh. I know that I am not alone in this. This yearning for affection. There are people out there who seem perfectly okay, married even, but deep down they are crushed and lonely. 

Loneliness doesn't necessarily mean you are alone. Its a deep feeling. You can have people around you all day but still have that deep empty void in your soul. According to Wikipedia ‘Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship.’ 

I long to talk to someone, genuine, about stupid things including if squirrels marry, do they? I long to wake up to a text. I long to giggle about nothing really and have those random lunch dates. To be with someone who wants to be with me. Who is proud of me just the way I am.. Then of course they will disappear. Or get too busy. Or find someone else. Then my heart will break and the cycle will start over. Then I saw this:

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. (Linda) Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I follow baby girl around the house. Everyone seems to have stuff to do including her. Its like she is avoiding me nowadays. She sleeps at 7.30. Who sleeps that early? She watches frozen everyday. Every single day and is still glued to the telly the millionth time she watches it. See you agree that she is avoiding me right? Its like she doesn't need me anymore. She knows how to read now so she reads her own books. Loudly. Word by word, no fullstops or commas or anything. Even the hard words she doesn't ask for my help anymore. She just skips them or misreads them then the sentence doesn't even make sense. My sister took her for a sleepover one weekend, I think they have colluded to finish me. Its a miracle I didn't call after every three seconds, maybe I did. I felt like a part of me was ripped off, she was gone for a million days. No it was just overnight. Every weekend I literally look for stuff to do. I watch TV series till the wee hours so that I spend my Saturday afternoon sleeping. I watch sponge bob and teenage mutant ninjas. 

I stare at the phone. My mulika mwizi. Waiting for someone to start a chat. Then I remember I have no airtime. No messages come through anyway so I don’t need airtime. Everytime my phone beeps its a client or my fellowship group with reminders of fellowships or sometimes a random who is super bored trying to kill time. I spend my time stalking people on social media. I hate the fact that I am the only one at a stand-still. Life around me apparently is going on. NEWS FLASH. I am lonely.

Or could it be mid-life crisis? Do you remember the boom-twaffs (pimped out, extremely loud mats) that I used to hate with a passion? Well I actually stand at the busstop to wait for them. I would rather be late than get into an old creeky embassavva. Yes, I know!, what happened to dreading the speed and the loud music? The adrenaline those matatus, the boom twaffs I mean, give me is just out of this world. I think the drivers don't see the road, otherwise I fail to understand why they are always using the pavement or the pedestrian lanes. 

Anywho, 

“Loneliness is a wilderness, but through receiving it as a gift, accepting it from the hand of God and offering it back to him with thanksgiving, it may become a pathway to holiness, to glory and to God himself” (Elizabeth Elliot).

I need to recognize God in my season of loneliness. I need to trace him. I need to stop looking to people to fill this vacuum and know that he is the ultimate vacuum filler. 

He said I will never leave you nor forsake you, right? (Deuteronomy 31:6)  On good days I believe this. But on bad days I hope for much more than that. I feel like he owes me. Like after all I have been through he owes me a happily ever after. My very own happily ever after. Yeah, go ahead and roll your eyes. Ridiculous. But then why I am feeling like this? 

Sometimes all I want is to vent. Being Human its only naturally to want to vent to another human being. Taking it to the phone or text. But I don’t find someone to engage me. Then I remember the throne. God's Throne that is always there and I can reach it at any moment. I talk to Him and talk then He doesn't talk back. Like hey we are supposed to have a conversation, aren't we? Then I think maybe I have gone insane. Maybe I am insane, just maybe.

Have you ever waited for someone to text first? Or to remember that you are going through something and be gracious enough to follow through? No you haven’t. Sometimes I am afraid to be the first to say 'Hey I need you' Because that other person is already complete with or without me. Bummer. Then I remember God who first loved me before I even loved myself. When I draw near to Him, he will draw to me. Given. 

 James 4:8Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. 

I am not abnormal. Jesus felt the same at the cross. He felt beaten. Probably felt alone. You know the famous Matthew 27:46 "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani? Yeah that’s Greek or French or Hebrew or something for Where the heck are You oh God, when I need you most. Even David felt the same way. Yeah, the David who is after God’s own heart. No its not made up:

Psalm 22

1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?

I scream at God everyday. Frustrated that he doesn't Boom and say I am here. I feel His presence sometimes. Not always. So where are you? 

I have temporary moments of high. Like I am high on some cheap stuff. No I am not doing drugs or alcohol. I don’t know why that happens. Like I am two different people, bipolar even. I have two extremes. I laugh like a mad woman. Then I am back to sulking. His joy. The joy of the Lord. That is what I need. Not some temporary high. They say its all in the mind. How you feel that is, but really is it?

Philippians 4: 4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

He knows me. He does.  That’s what I always say. He create d me. He knows this season in my life. Psalms 139 in its entirety speaks about my relationship with God. How it ought to be. He knows me. Deep. He does. Imagine he thinks about me everyday.

Then Why am I fussing about the need to be thought about by people? To feel fulfilled by people? To feel whole in people? That’s the devil’s work. No seriously, I have all that I need in God and I still feel incomplete? How do you explain that?

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

I will just draw near to him and WAIT. SIGH.