When It's all been said and done

When it's all been said and done

All my treasures will mean nothing
Only what I have done
For love's rewards
Will stand the test of time 

(Don Moen)

I have pondered over this post for eternity because I have no words to put on paper. Everything that was to be said between us remains unsaid. Yes literally.

I want to say that I forgive you for the BROKEN promises.

I forgive you for the lies, ENDLESS lies.

I forgive you for not TRYING.

I will never understand how you lived.

I will never understand why you would make promises and not keep them

I will never understand why you lied about literally everything, even the simplest things like where you are.

How could you come look me in the eye and say you want to restore what we had,

Yet you already moved on and lived with another.

How could you look me in the eye and say your heart beats for no other yet you made love to another.

Baby girl looked forward to your visits, because it meant access to all the illegals.

She looked forward to your calls, and her eyes twinkled when you called.

She held on to every promise you made, yet none was fulfilled.

She asked many whys and yet I had no becauses.

She loved you so much yet I had to force you to show her some love.

I had to force you to send stuff

I had to make you call her.

Breaks my heart to know that she wasn't your number one, like you always said. Actions speak louder than words, you know,

Breaks my heart to know that you claimed I denied you access to be a father yet you were too busy chasing other things

Breaks my heart to know that TO YOU  life was at a statue as it waited for you to organise your stuff, like you liked to say. 

I hope you finally found what you were looking for.

I truly hope you were okay,

I truly hope you felt fulfilled every time you went to sleep 

and most importantly I hope you were truly HAPPY.

Your life was a mystery and your death too is a mystery

Your betrayal cut me deep. You hurt me deep in 2011/12. You resurrected the hurt before you left and now I have to let go of the hurt before I can truly mourn you. 

I miss the days you were my sunshine.

I miss the days you made me laugh even when I was so mad

I miss the days  all we did was watch movies (okay you watched movies while I slept),

I miss the days that we didn't have a care in the world and nothing else mattered

I miss the genuine I love you's and the genuine compliments.

I wish I didn't find out anything, then maybe it would have been different.

I wish you could answer all the questions that I have, that we have.

I truly wish it wasn't complicated.

I don't know yet what to say to baby girl,

I don't know yet how to describe you to her,

I don't know yet how to explain stuff'

I don't wanna lie about anything,

I hope she never asks. 

Today marks a month since you went six feet under. 

May you rest in eternal peace

Baby Girl will sure miss you. 

This will be her first Christmas without you.

I will be the best mother I can be.

She will always be my number one, and you know that. 

Dance with the angels. 

You have taught me two things:

1 Don't wait until tomorrow to solve unresolved issues because you may never know the truth and tomorrow may never come. 

2 Choices have consequences

BROKEN. 

The Negative Eye

Before I got saved my view of God was um absurd for lack of a better word. I told Him yo, God you are up There I am down here, stick to your space and we are cool, okay? He roared down back at me.....''okay'' or so I thought. I saw God as a punisher, like He waited on us to make a mistake and boooom He unleashes His punishment. I always wondered why he was so angry like He would strike people down and open up the earth to swallow some people at the slightest act of disobedience. Then I came to know the real God, that one that is merciful and all loving. 

I knew God with this notion in mind. That He will watch me from a distance with a big stick waiting for me to fall and boom His punishment would follow. Even as He begun to work in my life, I resisted, complained, whined and wanted out whilst all God wanted was to see me grow. I however wanted an overnight transformation and people around me weren't helping much. When I fell everyone unleashed the judgy Mary side. Thing is the patterns of a sinful heart grow very, very deep, God was determined to change me, I was determined to remain unchanged and continue in my sinful nature. 

I realised that our view of God can make us or break us.My view of God was not a pleasant one at all and I got a revelation...no really I did :) yeah the revelation was that My negative view of God was my hindrance to scaling new spiritual heights.  The other hindrance was fear. Yeap you heard me well. I was scared to move forward always wanting to hold on to things and scared of tomorrow. Today I am however going to focus on the negative view and how it can affect you too!

Negative view:

Genesis 42 1- 38

We all know the story of Joseph, right? One thing that struck me in that whole story was Joseph's brothers. When Joseph was finally king and there was famine and His brothers came for food, He put food in their sacks and ordered his workers to secretly return the money they had supposedly paid. So on their way back, one of the brother's opens His sack and notices the money, what does he say? God what are you up to now? Okay biblically its thus: Gen 42: 28 He said to his brothers, “My money has been put back; here it is in the mouth of my sack!” At this their hearts failed them, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, “What is this that God has done to us?”' They didn't jump and say Halleluyah thank you, this is a miracle. Nope they just thought we are finished! And God Himself wants to do the finishing! You know we are sure we paid the money how is it that it is still in our bags ee? 

But see that was an act of kindness from Joseph. Not only had he given them food, but free of charge! The brothers did not however rejoice and praise God, they pointed accusing fingers at Him like yo God, we had the money to pay and all that kind of thing so we didn't need your intervention. Thank you very much but we were doing just fine without you.

Yep that's me! I am unable to appreciate an act of Grace. You and I are exactly like Joseph's brothers in one way or another mostly on failed plans and during affliction:

When plans fail we think that God is up to no good:

When things do not go as planned I always tell God you know what you dont love me, I get all tearry and tell Him how unfair he is being, I do that for real! yet He is always trying to teach us something. I remember looking for a new job for a very, very long time. I accused God of not being fair when others came in with their testimonies of new jobs. In 2013 I decided to rest and learn what God wants to teach me IN my old job....that happened after praying and a lot of asking God to reveal His purpose and to SPEAK. After a while, I realised He was teaching me humility! I was very, very proud and would talk to colleagues and suppliers as I pleased( as my moods leadeth). I would clash with them and one way or another you would still end up with me., so basically you were stuck with me. My emails had no salutation at all, not even the Dear So and so,  I go straight to the point, no etiquette and very rude. I am very manipulative and can twist around a situation until the innocent party becomes guilty. And despite all this, I never lost my job! How amazing is God? I called Him out and told Him to break me completely to deal with my pride. He taught me to be humble and by the time I got this new Job, God has dealt with me until sometimes the way I handle people I cant even believe it. You know all polite and smiling and actually listening to other people's opinions! 

What would have happened if I had not yielded to His timing and maybe somehow manipulated someone to give me a job? I would still be walking in pride. 

Pain and difficulties.

I have experienced moments of pain and betrayal some extreme some mild and funny thing is that I have always said why God why? Never have I lifted my hands and said glory to God. This past month has been just that. But God is trying to save me from something, yet I refuse to see. I know that I am not alone in this, we see the bad side of God when something happens and we forget that His ways are definitely not ours. I am sure we all want to come out of situations unscratched but God knows if he does that we will crawl right back in, like a pro. 

Do you see what we do here? We keep belittling God and telling Him to take a back seat because we think He doesn't want what is best for us. We see all He does through a negative eye. I discovered that no matter what He does, God is always on your team! Never against you. 

How did I start seeing God as GOD and not as punisher?

In every situation I stopped asking why and began to ask God to reveal to me the lesson He is trying to teach me. I have started seeing everything as  a lesson to grow and not as a form of punishment. I have started seeing this Through God's eyes and not my own.

I began to remind myself over and over that God is in control of every situation. And no matter what happens even when the sky falls down, he means it for good and he still loves me.  

Romans 8:35  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 

Yes nothing can separate me from the love of God!

I found two verses that spoke to me even as I went through the pain and heartache: 

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose

Every single thing eventually works our for good. Sounds very hard to believe especially if you are going through really tough times.

I stopped focusing on what I can see.  I know my outer self is wasting away but my inner self is being renewed daily.  

2nd Corinthians 4:16

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

I was chatting with a colleague who sees God as just God, like you cant have a relationship with Him so He asked me why I talk about God like He is sitted next to me, like He can hear, I told Him yes He does hear and He is right next to me. He has given me joy amidst my tears and has given me peace that surpasses every human understanding. Even I cant explain how I am able to keep smiling.

No matter where you are, God is FOR YOU.

A word from Baby Girl.

Have you ever looked for inspiration and nothing comes? Yep, been there done that. One evening during my supposed quiet time with God I looked for inspiration, but I was just staring blankly and no inspiration came, like zero.  For some reason baby girl was all over the place trying to say something. I zone out sometimes (read most times) when she speaks because she can go on and on and on...until something more interesting happens, interesting here includes a random cockroach, her mind is all over the place. Then she started telling me the story of Goliath and David, well apart from the fact that they were all 'she's (I know her grammar is still something else) , she expressed at how Goliath was big and ugly and seemed unbeatable..yeah she really said that. David was just a weakling and just took a stone and put it on his (her) sling and booom Goliath fell down. My sister asked her did she  (David) die? She was like no, He fell down and started bleeding, mum what happened after that? A question to the listener usually marks the end of her story. Then I asked her how Goliath was able to hit David, she was like see mum David didn't just use a stone but was with God. David prayed and worshipped God but Goliath didn't believe in God.  He was a baaad man, do you know he was big? She wrinkled her nose the way she does to express disbelief 

I was like wow, this is just what I needed, thanks baby girl! She didn't understand and was surprised that I didn't know the story of Goliath, and just ran off to her next random thing. Of course I know the story of Goliath, well, only that I don't say G-O-L-Y-A-TH like she does, I say Goliat(h), like a true Kalenjin.

She left me thinking. When we seek God, we find him, in the most unusual places. See baby girl always (reads), looks at pictures in her bible and doesn't speak about them. Just asks why is this person like this or like that. If you read to her, anything not just her bible, mark that the end of your day because you will read over and over and over. She never gets bored or tired. However, she has never told back a story to me. When she sees me holding my notebook and bible she calls that mummy time and doesn't hover around me until am done. Mostly I do it when she is asleep except over the weekends when she is allowed to stay up and do her stuff, stuff here means re-watching cartons. But that night she came, with a word. The story of Goliath.

So what do we learn From This story?

1 Samuel 17:

1. Wait before you leap.

Most of the times we don't analyse the situation well. We look at it from our perspective and forget to look at it from the enemy's perspective. Before you leap, make a list of the pro's and con's of your decision. How will it affect those around you? what if you loose? Saul and his men waited before they decided to take up Goliath's challenge, mostly because they were afraid. 
'For forty days the Philistine came forward and took his stand, morning and evening'. 

2. Be prepared always:

There was a scout's motto that said 'Be Prepared'....Most of the time challenges come and they catch us off-guard. We are never ready for that heartbreak or that disappointment or retrenchment. One thing that I noted with David is that he was alert and ready and once he heard Goliath speak the same words again, he started planning to take up the challenge and was not as worried as the rest of the men 1 Sam 17:24. 

2. Let us learn to look at our situation through God's eyes.

Countless number of times I have looked at a situation through my own eyes and expressed how hopeless I feel. I have asked why, why, but I realise that sometimes we give the Devil too much credit. Saul told David, 'you are but a youth'. How many times have we told ourselves, I am not good enough, I don't have enough skills, I am too scared etc, Remind yourself the things you have been able to overcome before and say Just like I overcame abc so will I overcome this, because the Lord that delivered you THEN will deliver you NOW 1 Sam 17:35

3. Use the skills you have and not the ones that will over power you or are out of your league

1 Sam 17: 39. Saul dressed up David in His best army-outfit. See thing is David had never been a warrior thus could not even move. I can imagine how heavy those THINGS were! He simply said No, I cannot go with this since I have not tested them removed them and put on just his sling. Just the sling to face a Giant what madness is that? But David was so skilled in using the sling and was CONFIDENT

4. Stop listening to people only God's opinion matters.

Finally stop listening to people. People will never encourage you to take a bold step of faith. Infact some will mock you. Goliath asked David am I a dog that you come to me with sticks? He was clearly offended by David's move! What did David say? 1 Sam 17: 45. Listen to yourself. What do you want to do? draw out the noise around you because it will always be just that. Noise that goes nowhere. 

The battle is the Lord's! So be STILL and know that he is God.

Who do you run to?

I hate bus rides. One particular one got me talking for days; the music was extremely loud, it was doing 180km/hr.... okay that's exaggerated, maybe 80 but for sure felt like a million!, then to make matters worse, instead of pulling over to drop/pick passengers, it stopped right in the middle of the road and guess what? the driver kept revving the engine while at it! Imagine you want to step down and all you hear is vroom, vroom, vroom, and you shout at the driver to wait and all the young folks give you the look, sigh. I was therefore so glad when I got into a old rickety one the other day. I was really glad (I just said glad twice) that it could barely do 20 without sounding like it would fall apart and yes NO music! I closed my eyes in PURE bliss until HE stood up. 

' Nawasalimu kwa jina la yesu' ('I great y'all in the name of Jesus)

Oh boy! no please no. This ain't happening and he waited until we all paid our fair then he got up. Clearly they have mastered the art of perfect timing and there is no escape. He went on and on and I must give it to him because he has the bible on his finger tips and every scripture he quoted I counter checked and walaa on point. He caught my full attention when he spoke about scattering your blessings. He called it mdomo mbaya. You know the way you tell someone something and then for some reason it doesn't work out, or the way you go to someone for advise and gives you something that she/he knows for sure its a 'don't try this at home' kind of advise. That's what this whole thing is about, well a more basefull fact about who you run to and who you should confide in.

Who do you tell your stuff?

Micah 7:5

Put no trust in a neighbor;

have no confidence in a friend;

guard the doors of your mouth

from her who lies in your arms;

In the past, before Jesus, (in my life) I liked to spill my beans to everyone that cared to listen you know as long as you had the title FRIEND I would go on and on about my stuff. All I needed to get talking was a high stool and a tall glass. I have since matured and I have become very guarded and realised that when someone asks 'how are you' they don't necessarily mean it, its a polite way to start a conversation! Yeah I didn't know that before. I was too overwhelmed by emotions that I wanted to get it all out. I learnt to confide in a chosen few but well that too has it own downside. Wait until you hear your story as an example. I once had a friend who was so used to using other people's stories as examples. Problem is she forgets who the origin of a particular story is, so once she told MY story in MY presence and I was like wait chic, that's me, I told you that in confidence, she just went like ooops and didn't even feel the slightest remorse! That's when I learnt that not everyone you tell your stuff has a good intention. Most people don't care honey! They just want to feed off your insecurities and make small talk about it, how evil is that? You know like a point of reference and an example. 

I was listening to the flashbacks from victims of Last year's Westgate Terror attack and one thing that I picked out is the response they got from people when they shared their experience. Some would call them and instead of asking how they are holding up they would ask how it was...just to get first hand 'moshene' and after they have painfully narrated their experience they walk away with just one comment and not once were they asked how they feel or felt. This is exactly how it is, when something happens to you, not necessarily traumatic, some people call you just to get first hand information from you. Not necessarily to share in your pain or sorrow. 

Jeremiah 9:4

Let everyone beware of his neighbor,

and put no trust in any brother,

for every brother is a deceiver,

and every neighbor goes about as a slanderer.

The bible says  exactly that, that you shouldn't put trust in anyone. What advise are they giving you concerning your situation? Are they encouraging you to quit on your marriage while they have secret demons that they are fighting in their own marriages? So you have a problematic child are they giving you sound advise or are they judging your parenting skills? When you are a Christian and things are falling apart are they giving you a genuine shoulder or are they whispering behind your back about how sinfull you are that is why evil is after you? 

Psalms 118:8

 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in man.

Personally I have become so afraid to share my emotions. I am afraid of being emotionally connected then end up being disappointed, I am afraid of breaking down and not being comforted enough I am afraid of sharing my pain then that person bails out on me. To stay sane you ought to talk to someone, I know. I have however resorted to sharing stuff, lots of stuff with my God, and feeling lighter and lighter. Sounds crazy uh?

How then do you know you are talking to the right person?

Most people share stuff with lots of different people for one reason or another. Some need spiritual cover thus share with spiritual people, some need comfort thus share with close friends and some need advise thus share with people who have been through the same experience. Whatever your reason, don't go spilling it all over honey! 

Bottomline is YOU have to learn NOT to depend on people! People cant and will never fill all your needs. They will give you advise and some VERY good advise but you will still be left feeling hollow. I have learnt to depend on GOD and realise that HE actually speaks, not in a thunder or flash or anything BUT in a QUIET STILL VOICE. He guides me and wraps me in His arms. He bottles my tears and keeps count of my tossings. I want to be in a place where I am not depended on human beings but on HIM alone. 

Loyal to HIS Breaking and moulding?

Why does the breaking process have to be so hard? You know the way we surrender to God and say that you are the potter and I am the clay. Isaiah 64: 8 and ask Him to mould us as He pleases, BUT yet we aren't loyal to HIS moulding, we want to reverse the roles and do as we please. 

(Jeremiah 18: 6 O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this 

potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.)

Why then does the clay crack in seemingly all the wrong places? when you think he is done with the breaking he touches other areas until you want to give up the journey. For sure. 

I recently discovered a new piece of hurtful information about someone that had already hurt me so, so deep. It resurrected the past hurt and took it to a whole new dimension. I did not go looking for the information, nope. It just came....I guess from my previous prayers to God to reveal hidden things. I was hurt so bad, I still am feeling so cheated, I feel like the light that was at the end of the tunnel was shut away from my eyes. I can't help but ask God why would HE allow that, how now? Will it always be dark? when is my morning going to come and STAY? (You know His word says joy cometh in the morning )Not just be morning for sometime then night again or is it going to be alternate seasons of morning and night? 

You know what, I REFUSE to mourn and be faint spirited in Jesus name. My favorite verse has been Isaiah 61:3. 

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

I am not going back to the pit He already took me out of.  I am amazed at how strong I have been! My sister expected me to break down and cry infact it broke her more than it broke me! 

I know that the breaking process is not easy. Yes, because it involves a lot of pruning and cutting and sometimes all that will be left is a tiny, tiny piece. All a plant that has grown old and withered needs to re-grow is a tiny, tiny seed. And that is all you need to be made whole again, a tiny piece of you. That has been tested and tried. 

John 15:2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. He cuts off every branch that is not whole that does not bear any fruit that is just a hindrance to my developing process, but sometimes I fell like He ain't doing just the pruning BUT cutting the whole stem! 

I think we work so hard trying to be the best we want to be or think we ought to be and when things fall apart, which believe you me they will because as a Christian your path will always be thorny, we become weary and have excessive grief. 

James 1:2-4 

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I know I should not depend on MY own strength BUT God's. When I pray that May your will be done I clearly secretly want my own way. Otherwise why I am so broken when His will has been done? whilst I relentlessly pray and say Not MY will oh God but yours be done, Yet I remind Him that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. I know that he knows the plans for me, but I want to manipulate those plans and lead them to the direction I want to go. When I get a sign that is not exactly what I was hoping for I start a whole new series of prayers hoping to get what I want, BUT GOD aint man and cannot be manipulated!  I know for sure that  it is God pruning me and cutting out every bad branch in my life. 

Sometimes it seems like those who hurt you go on with life as if nothing happened as if they own the world and even try to justify every action - like a boss. They create a whole new web of lies and words left unsaid. What does God's word say? forgive forget and let go, easier said than done.  I want to be honest to God about my pain and my questions to Him. I want to tell Him no its not easy for someone to just mess up and you say yeah okay it is well. I need His Grace! In my moments of weakness, His Grace should abound. 

I console myself with the fact that the finest metals have to go through a fiery furnace to be as sparkling as they are. I believe that is exactly what he wants me to be a shiny metal at the end of the process. 

Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;

I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.

I know that I am on a journey to high places and I NEED to be acquainted with grief and pain and ultimately allow them to transform me into something precious and broken for God, for the experiences which I am passing are part of the process by which GOD is  making my life TRUE. I therefore fix my eyes on HIM.

They say the difference between a scar and a wound is that when a scar is touched one doesn't flinch but a wound oozes a whole new brook of pus. Are you going to allow your hurt to be but a scar or stay a wound forever? 

Like everything else, this too is just a process of being broken down to be made whole. Glory to GOD. 

Pick your poison...

Growing up, my mum trusted in extremely old domestic helps. I mean really old, so when I was in high school we had one particularly old one, she was the sweetest old lady I have ever met and we so fondly called her ‘gogo’, that means grandma. She had one major weakness though! Cooking. She was the worst cook ever. We had a small vegetable garden and she would go to that garden and collect anything green and called it vegetable. The outcome was an extremely bitter grill that we liked to call leaves-grill. It was sometimes bitter, sometimes tasteless, sometimes plain gross. It never really had a constant taste (what with the random mixes) and you had to take it with a smile! It’s a miracle I didn't die of food poisoning, like literally.

See that’s exactly what we do with our lives, we go round ingesting poison, unlike the bitter herbs, we never really feel anything while taking that poison. Infact sometimes the poison is really sweet and the sweet feeling lasts for just a while.

2 Kings 4:38-44

And they poured out some for the men to eat. But while they were eating of the stew, they cried out, “O man of God, there is death in the pot!” And they could not eat it. 41He said, “Then bring flour.” And he threw it into the pot and said, “Pour some out for the men, that they may eat.” And there was no harm in the pot.

When the pot of stew was set forth before the prophets, they tasted it and found out it was poisoned. The herbs weren’t real herbs but some sort of poison leaves. Elisha was used by God, to cure that poisoned pot of stew. Chances are you also have poisoned stew in your life! But good thing is God can cure it completely if only you could identify the poison. Please note that you can’t cure the poison on your own!

How does poison kill?

All poisons (toxins) cause cell membrane defects because toxins make them rigid/stiff, which means that:

• Nutrients, hormones, and water are not as able to get into the cells where they are needed to provide energy, and to repair, rebuild, and detoxify themselves.
• All organs, functions, and systems throughout the body are not as able to function like they should.

This is exactly what happens with spiritual poison except we don’t die physically but spiritually. They chock up your desire for God, Slowly you start to draw away from God, You start desiring things that are WRONG, you start going back to your old habits and you become blinded and eventually you become unable to interpret the word of God. 

So pick your poison from the below list! 

1.  Unforgiveness

I struggled with this for a very long time. I liked to keep things in my heart and hold grudges for like forever. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. It simply means that you have made peace with the event and are able to talk about it without necessarily screaming like a maniac. I realized the power of forgiving. It simply sets you free! Holding grudges is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die! Newsflash you will die from mental depression and even diseases like ulcers! You can’t forgive a brother or a sister yet you expect God in heaven to forgive you? Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

2.  Bitterness.

I believe that bitterness is like a garbage truck, It carries around a lot of JUNK and even collects more junk along the way and when it hits a bump or a bend it unknowingly spills out the garbage on the people nearby. That’s exactly what bitterness does. You will unknowingly spill out your junk to people you meet during the day, from your helper, to colleagues, to your spouse. You spill bitter words. This happens mostly because of things that happened in our past. Unresolved issues. Bitterness is for sure a spiritual poison and thing is it is not easily visible. It’s not like anger, mostly a bitter person will always strive to bring others down or ensure that people around aren’t happy. The downside of bitterness is it’s that it’s a root and before taking it to God you ought to take a self-audit of your life and see where the feeling began. Was it from childhood? Most women become bitter from failed relationships and are now in bondage because of that bitterness. Take it to God and be free!  Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice

3.  Anger

This I struggled with! And maybe I still do, but one thing that I know is that I am not perfect I am a work in progress. An angry person speaks angry words at the heat of the moment and tries to justify them by saying that they were angry. They claim that they are bold enough to always speak their mind but truth is God has given us the spirit of self control! The bible says that be angry BUT do not sin. Abusive words is a sin. Those long abusive texts mmm, no no. Did you know that wreckless words pierce like a sword? You should learn to manage your anger the Godly way. Do simple things like moving away from the person when you feel anger rising, avoid speaking and just excuse yourself. Do not do something permanently stupid because of a temporary feeling. I noticed that when you speak softly you even gain more respect! James 1:20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 

4.  Emotional instability

We women are known to be extremely emotional creatures. Given. But that does not mean that you allow yourself to be lead by how you feel at a particular moment. To act out because you are in a bad mood. To ignore your spouse because you had a long day at work.  To not come to God just because things aren't going your way? Allowing ourselves to be controlled by our feelings is a spiritual poison! You have allowed yourself to be enslaved by your emotions. You don’t say hi to people when you walk into the office because someone hit your car on your way. Do NOT be a slave to your emotions. Emotions are unreliable, we mustn’t direct our lives according to how we feel. Manage your emotions. Again call on the Lord to give you the gift of self control.

5.  Malice, slander and Jealousy

I have put these three together because they are more or less interloped. You slander because you envy someone. Malice also crops out of envy. These are roots that you ought to deal with and fast! How do you know you are jealous? If something good happens to someone like a marriage or new baby or a new job and you feel like there is a knot in your heart instead of genuine joy, then there you need Jesus like seriously. Slander is the deep desire to ruin someone’s reputation and all that. This is a poison that will slowly eat you up and you will wonder why you are not progressing in life.

6.  Sex.

Such a awesome thing, right? BUT should only be done in the proper way, meaning with your lawfull spouse. Sex leads to so many things from emotional ties to soul ties and I once blogged about that here. Of soul ties. We should learn to stop yielding to the desires of our body and wait for the one. How will the one find you if you continue to entangle yourself in someone else's arms? 

The Good news is that God can remove all the poison from you and make you brand new! He gives us a million chances to start over. 

Moments of Solitude....

This term baby girl's school added French to their school curriculum. I didn't know until someone (fellow parent) mentioned it during the parents meeting. (I know how ignorant of me). So naturally I went home super excited that evening to find out more details from baby girl:

Me: So you study French in school?

BG: Yes, yes...(eyes wide open in excitement)

Me: Okay great, say something to mommy in French (No I don't understand French)

BG: Chamegee (with a super loud lunje accent)

me: Oh yaay great.

See 'chamge' is not French. That's my local dialect for hi. I was disappointed but of course didn't show it. I expected baby girl to have learnt French in two months and yet she can’t even pronounce all English words well yet and her grammar is definitely a story for another day. Later I found out that it was for the older class and not theirs...sigh. 

This is exactly how the world sees us, the newbies in salvation. People expect so much from you. Of course when you get saved the old you is gone and the new you has to take precedence. 2 Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!Well, news flash, this is not an overnight transformation and you have to really engage God in constant prayer for God to continually deal with you. We are naturally stiff necked people and find it hard to do what is right according to scripture. Thing is you are bound to fall that is where people (I like to call the audience) come in and say 'si I thought you are saved? .....'even saved people do that?' The judging becomes louder. The world expects a two month or two week transformation just like I expected baby girl to have learnt French overnight! I noticed that I tripped a lot especially with words and self control. I went on my knees one day and prayed to GOD to deal with me and blogged about it here Break Me

While he was dealing with me and doing all the breaking I felt the need to just seek HIM in Solitude.

So many things can fall out of place some  because of your tripping and some because of answered prayers. See I have been trusting God to reveal some things to me. Daniel 2:22 He reveals deep and hidden things;he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.

And Him being faithful, did reveal. He even went ahead and closed some doors, crudely.  I had placed my trust in things that I thought would be but weren't meant to be and I found myself in one-sided relationships, see the way feelings are supposed to be mutual? Yes, so mine weren't. I realized that I was always the one doing the reaching out, I was the one always doing the bending and compromising what I believe in. At this point I realized it was time to take a time out and just do a self-audit, especially in my relationships. That was my moment of solitude. 

I locked myself away from the world, literally. I wasn't speaking to anyone, or catching up with anyone, God works in amazing ways because during that period he moved me from my work place. I guess he really wanted me to take this whole solitude thing seriously uh? See I don't easily make friends, so God figured out that before I adjust and start my chatter box ways, I will have found him in my quite moments with him.

I found this in the women's bible on my first day of solitude: 

'In solitude God begins to free us from our bondage to human expectations for there we experience God as our ultimate reality - the one in whom we live and more and have our being. In solitude our thoughts and our mind, our will and our desires are re-oriented Godward so we become less and less attracted by external forces and be more deeply responsive to God'

That is exactly what I needed to be free from people! I took seriously my need to quite the noise of my life, to cease the constant strive of human effort, to pull away from my absorption in human relationships for a time in order to give God my undivided attention.

How do you know you are free of people?

I always liked having the last word. When we fight I must text you till you say enough. But I have learnt that being free means that you don’t have to have the last word and you are okay

Sorry is just a word but a very hard one to say! Total freedom means that you are able to HUMBLE yourself, ACCEPT that you were wrong, APOLOGIZE and move forward.

I always wanted to prove that I have changed, that I am perfect, when I make a mistake, I want to prove that I am not what I did, but true freedom means that you are able to walk away without having to prove anything or justifying anything

Talking about the situation that  brought you down is the ultimate prove of true freedom. How do you discuss that situation? Are you able to focus on the lessons or whine bitterly about shoulda, coulda, woulda? Don’t dwell on how it should have been, keep your head up, forgive and let go…if it was meant to be, it will be. Stop chasing people!

 People's opinions can either get you down or up. These are some of the lessons, all common, I know, that I learnt:

·         I will always test before I trust

·         It is important to take care of your Character as opposed to your reputation, see character is who you truly are while reputation is what people think you are which you might not be.

·         I will surround myself with like-minded people who will push me to be a better person everyday

·         I will always respond to my inner spirit and not my outer man! 

·         I will never, ever COMPROMISE/BEND  just so I can fit in, please someone or be with someone

ALWAYS REMEMBER When people don’t have present dirt on you, they reach out for the past, BUT honey remember it’s been forgiven! Isaiah 43:19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.