Letting Go......

This past week I went to lay my paternal grandpa to rest. I will be honest and say I didn’t know whether to cry or just keep a straight face during the burial. That whole week I was very distant and just needed to think through my reactions. Crazy uh? At some point in our life we disconnected and thus are basically strangers. I have shut them out of my life so much that I never considered my paternal side at all. I was just happy and content with my relatives from my motherside. 

I had drama on my way there. I was in town by 4am ready to catch a shuttle (it said on the poster their first vans leave at 4am)  BUT we didn’t leave until around 6am, can you imagine wasted sleep? As if that was not enough the cops decided that they are going to do their random inspection on that day. We were held up somewhere past Naivasha for two hours! I had planned to be in Eldoret by 9am since I was planning to make the trip back. I got to Eldoret around midday but someone forgot to give me the memo that to my grandpas place is quite a distance from Eldoret! So yeah I got to the burial around 2 after getting lost a million times. Anyway on arrival I didn’t want to draw attention to myself so I stood at quite some distance watching my dad’s family.  

I had held grudges against my dad and his family for the longest time, but during my counseling sessions with my pastor, one of the things that I had to deal with was bitterness.  He insisted that we will not move forward with the sessions until I let go of all the bitterness I had built up, so day one, I decided to pretend that I am ready to let go, he said no not yet, day two he said not yet, until day five when he said now we can move on. I had two sets of bitterness; against my baby daddy for wasting so much of my time and against my dad and his family for, well a long story all together. It is not easy to erase everything that happens to you especially concerning your family and pick up your pieces just like nothing happened. 

On that day I reflected on the lessons that I picked from my Pastor and decided to share them today with someone that might be struggling with bitterness because of past relationships and things that are hard to forget. The key word here is FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is the only KEY you need to get out of that web of bitterness. Hebrews 12: 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled

Why should I forgive?:

That person is not even in my life, why should I forgive? He lives his own life and I live mine. My dad no longer adds value to my life. So why do I need to take that road? Why the trouble? We forgive out of obedience for GOD. We are not perfect and to stand right before GOD you need to remove everything  that is a hindrance : Matthew 6:14-16 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Have the conversation

Yes you have been hurt and everytime you think about that situation you want to scream out loud. So the first step  to letting go of all the bitterness is to have the conversation with someone you trust, someone that will not necessarily have the answers but will NOT  react as below:

• ·         Justifying,  like saying ‘but he is your dad’
• ·         Exaggerating: ‘what he did all that? You went through all that?
• ·         Pushing for more details: Like so what happened, expound?
• ·         Making you the bad cop: you see it’s your fault, you chose him
• ·         Make facial expressions: Like gasp, or frown, or even sneer

It is never easy to have that conversation! Allow yourself to express your emotions, call them names if you wish BUT DO NOT with hold anything. Say EXACTLY how you feel. 

Seek Healing:

After you have opened up you are ready to start the journey to healing. Nothing any person dead or alive can heal you honey. ONLY GOD can heal you. I prayed the BALM of GILEAD over my life and blogged about that here.Of Healing

Testing:

After the above processes you need to test whether you are ready. How do you know you have let go of all the bitterness and anger? You will know you have TRULY forgiven someone when there is some freedom you feel. You know holding grudges against people is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Newsflash! He will not die, you will die instead!

• ·         You do not feel anything when that person’s name is mentioned.
• ·         You stopped calling them weird names
• ·         The memory of the things that took place do not bring tears anymore
• ·         There are no more regrets you know like I wish I hadn’t gone down that road

Moving forward:

If you decide to forgive and move on with the relationship, you need to focus on the positive because it is so easy to go back to bitterness when the deed is repeated. For example if he cheated, and you decide to forgive and move on then if he cheats again the cycle will repeat itself. Matthew 18 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

When you speak about that person its so easy to want to soil him and bring him down BUT try to speak only the positive about him. Oh, yes, he was a dog, he let you down, he was never there for you etc BUT Focus on Philippians 4: 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things

Many have said forgive and forget, but my pastor said, Forgive, forget, let go BUT never forget the lessons you learnt from that experience.

Be very patient! Forgiveness is a very, very slow process!