Crawl out of that situationship!

It has been said that men know where they are at with a lady within the first 15minutes of a date. Wait I think 15 is too much. Men refuse to get emotionally attached because they want to not feel guilty when they hop on to the next hot thing in town. They want to be free to date other girls, why? Because he hasn’t committed to anyone yet.  Men can be crafty and will want to sugar coat a whole deal for you, you know make you give up the cookie without feeling like a whore or rather a girl with loose morals. See they invented a thing called Friends with Benefits or No-Strings attached, they call you friend, better still, BFF.  I once blogged about no strings attached here No Strings Attached and how women scientifically unknowingly get attached thanks to the hormones they release during sex that makes women get attached to men they are sexing. But fact is, you cannot give a man who is ‘just a friend’ husband benefits and expect him to commit, uh? No let’s break it down honey. 

You ain’t going nowhere with this

Men know what they want in a woman, i.e type. Every single man knows without having to second guess if he is a boob guy or an ass guy, whether he prefers the brains or looks. He can tell which of his selection is a date, a random and wife material. Do not be fooled. They say if a man wants you he will pursue you, if he wants to be with you NOTHING will keep him away. Not even the fear of being turned down.  He will literally hunt you down. If he doesn't want you for keeps (strings attached) he will not even bother to try and match up to you. You know, he will take you to places he likes, not to places YOU like, and while you are there he will keep looking over his shoulder lest someone (another of his many strings) bumps into you. So when you are not in bed, he is uneasy/in a hurry. If he is nice enough (rare kind) he will take you out for coffee but still say nothing by the time he is done with you, you will have taken so much coffee until it (ze coffee) oozes out of your ears you know.This right here honey is what I like to call a Situationship and what's more? You have invested 100% in THAT situationship! Thing is the woman will be in it 100% and the man? 20% with you (FWB), 45% with Laila (his ex that broke his heart), 15% with Felisha (his secret crush, well the woman he wishes he would hit but can't) and boom the other 25% is left open you know for the women he is YET to meet. Great.

You are hooked:

Visualize this, every time he thinks about you he is either bored or bored. He will call you up just so he can keep the situationship open, a polite way of telling you to keep the cookie ready for when he wants it. He will want to get you all motchy motchy. So he cuddles you after sex, remembers your birthday, uses up all his airtime on you, makes you so comfortable that you can fart infront of him and just say oops, thing is, he is just playing you! When you try to have a serious conversation he just switches off to the nothing box and will not remember a thing you just told him even if you told him Shekau is after you and your entire kin. You didn’t even know he likes to do stuff, he always says he is busy and spends most of his time working or watching stuff on TV. Then you bump into him doing REAL stuff like bowling with someone else, mm that makes you the biggest side dish ever. You are only good for the bed honey.

Just let it go!

You say that he keeps calling that is why you can’t let it go, so he makes you pick up? Honey you are the one that picks up just like you are the one that goes crawling back when he goes cold for a few days then gets horny and calls you. Why would you want to be cool with such a guy? He is not your friend! He is just stringing you along for HIS convenience. You know the way a kid has many toys and there is one that has collected dust from never being used, then you try to take it away from him? He will scream and fight to keep it, NOT because he needs it, but because he doesn’t want to see ANY of his collection taken away. Katcha! That’s exactly what you are to that guy, except that you haven't collected any dust yet because he is still USING you. 

Bottomline: Borrowed From Rachel's advise: he is just not that into you...

Friends with Benefits BENEFITS NO ONE! Somebody always ends up hurt. “Lets still be friends” almost always means he wants to explore his other options, but in case one of his Plan A’s don’t work out, he will still have this totally awesome girl in his Plan B “Friends” category that he KNOWS still has feelings for him. So yes, you will get the call at 11:45pm..but you will probably not see the happy Facebook official ending you are secretly still hoping for.

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you.  He only  has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend.  He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.  He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you

Remembering my mum; Mother's day special

Baby girl likes to sleep alone but I trick her into sleeping in my bed, call me the clingy mama. So last night she had a nightmare, (her sitter has been scaring her that if she doesn’t eat she will call rats to feed on her food and maybe her as well) she screamt and I automatically cuddled her, she calmed down and innocently went back to sleep. Someone once told me that a mum’s hug stays longer after she lets go. Looking at her drift back into sleep, I thought about my own mum then. Losing her as a teenager was  the worst thing a girl can go through. Just when you need guidance on everything yes practically everything. (Hellen stepped in as our mum but also passed on) Growing up she was mostly in and out of hospital. She used to laugh so loudly and tear while laughing (yep now you know where I got that from) and liked to whisper when gossipping as if the gossipee could hear even when they are miles away. She was the kindest soul ever and very hardworking.

I hadn’t missed and appreciated her in my life like when I was pregnant. I had a very unhappy pregnancy and didn’t enjoy being pregnant at all. I guess that is why I am not looking forward to having any more kids. I lived alone and didn’t enjoy the fun of feet being rubbed, massages and the random crazy cravings. I would come back from work so tired and the thought of cooking just killed me! Thanks to my friend Roba who would pop in and drop cooked food to last me two or three days. Before baby girl, I hadn’t really had the opportunity to hold a new born and would do everything possible to avoid holding when I visited a new mum. When baby girl came, I had no idea how to change diapers or bathe her or even hold her. I wondered why poop seeped  from the sides and I concluded that she poops too much until someone pointed out that I am suppose to undo the flaps of the diapers, you know. Isn't that common sense? silly me. I was so scared of moving her or even dressing her. She looked so tiny and  fragile. Although everyone said she was a big baby (4.2kgs at birth). I wished every single day that my mum was around, she would have pampered me and made me 'uji' and 'njahe', I was up and about like a week after, yep.Baby girl forced me to grow up and I love her to bits. Mothering is truly natural, today am an expert and I have joined the 'mwalimu-teacher club', you know the ones that tell you don't feed your baby abc, if she/he cries too much give her/him abc because that's definitely colic,lol as if! 

I close my eyes sometimes and try to remember how she looked like, what she looked like. The other day we were going through some old photos of her when she was younger she was so slender and tall. She wore glasses. All I have are memories and a few old photos and I wonder what she would say about every situation in my life. I know for sure she would have stood by me. I work hard because I know that if I fail I have no one to support me. Knowing that I cannot ask for support from anyone, even baby girl's own dad without feeling like I am being bothersome.

Her life is still a mystery to me and I have promised myself that I will uncover everything about her and her life. She seemed very distant most of the time but was quite a story teller. I remember accompanying her  to see off her friends when they visited and they would stand on the road and talk some more for like two hours, does it make any sense? They would have just stayed in the house and finished their business then now leave, no? Well I also do that now.

She was a strict disciplinarian. I mean she would use ‘sosiot’ (a looong stick that is used to clean the milk gourd) so much that I hid when I saw it. Our eldest sister sure got the biggest share of the ‘sosiot’ because she liked to sleep in, I wonder if she still loves her sleep that much. She hated people who spoke swa-english and encouraged us to speak either fluent English or Swahili, no mixing.

I see more of her in me, for example I like to laze on the couch and send baby girl for practically everything, even if I can just stretch my hand and get it for myself. One time I sent her to get my phone from the bedroom and she brings my duvet, phone and book all at once, I am like I just said phone she is like I know mum you will send me for the other things after one minute. Girl! Why didn’t I have that brain when I was your age? My mum would send you for item A and then when you get back she sends you for item B. Or she would call you from miles away only to ask for something that is next to her but she couldn’t just get up to get it.Or she would say bring me 'nini' and I be like what is 'nini'? she would raise her voice like kwani you don't know  that nini for niniring. Lol that's so me right now.

I miss you mum. I thought of you today. I thought of you yesterday and every other day. It ain’t fair that you went just when I needed you. You owe me, you know. Death ripped you away just like that,I have been to hell and back and I know it would have been different if you were here. Sometimes I wonder how life would have turned out. 

Mama’s day is just around the corner. I just can’t help but envy the people who have mamas and have the opportunity to say happy momma's day. I didn’t have the opportunity to enjoy my blood mama. If your mama is alive appreciate her, tell her you love her and actually visit, nope mpesa aint good enough. Its just convenient. And nope it doesn't matter if she was nasty or is still nasty, she is still your mum.

Happy mommas day, till we meet again in heaven.

Of Gossip Mongers....

My sister picked up baby girl for a day out. So later that day baby girl told me a ridiculous tale of how she didn't have her seat belt on and my sister apparently hit the brakes and threw her out of the window (windscreen). I wondered why she didn't have a scratch on her so I waited for my sister to give me an account of that incident but she didn't! So I made a mental note to self not to allow her to pick up baby girl again and actually called my sis-in-law to express how ridiculous that is! Can you imagine? How can that happen? So weeks later during a get-together my sister told us how baby girl refused to fasten her safety belt (on the day out) so she made up a story about an accident to scare her and it worked. Too bad that story got into her so much that she told it to me in first person! And to think I almost skinned my sister alive! No it didn't happen to baby girl she made that up!This incident got me thinking. How many times do you believe hear say without counter checking and having facts?

I don’t encourage gossip because if someone can talk to you about others, then rest assured that she/he is also talking about you to others! I would rather tell you something in the face than whisper about it behind your back. 

Gossipers hide their pain by slandering other people. When people are slandering you it is a revelation of the anger and bitterness they have in their heart. They want to make you look bad, because they feel bad about a situation. C  Joybell once said that “Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.”

From the outside this person seems strong and popular but on the inside she/he doesn’t have the courage to repeat what he/she said infront of  the person being gossiped about. 

Why do people Gossip?

Low self esteem:

Most gossipers devalue themselves, they have no self worth and they bring others down to their level with words. They want to appear better than the other person and thus say demeaning and mostly untrue words just to appear better. 

Jealousy:

This is the main reason for gossip. Some people are just jealous of what someone has been able to accomplish and wish they were that person. They mostly do not have the courage to do what that person has been able to do.

How can you handle Gossipers?

Listen:

Yes listen to what the gossiper has to say. Depending on your relationship with that person, tell them off to the face or just change the topic. Do not encourage him/her to go on by showing interest or contributing.

Confront: If you hear somethings doing the rounds about you and you are able to know the source, confront the source and stand up for yourself! Do not allow your name to be dragged into the gutters especially by someone you know so well. 

Choose your friends wisely and do not tell everyone everything! 

So what does the bible say?

Proverbs 10:18 The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever utters slander is a fool. 

Why do you want to concern yourself with things that do not benefit you? How does talking about another person benefit you?

Proverbs 11: 9 With his mouth the godless man would destroy his neighbor, but by knowledge the righteous are delivered. 

Why do you want to destroy another person by your words? Why do you want to bring another person down? If you don’t agree with that person let them be and move on with your life!

 

Proverbs 20:19 

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.

Have you ever shared your secrets or personal stuff with someone and the next minute someone else is asking you about it? and you be like I trusted you! Be very careful who you share with your secrets with.

Proverbs 26:20 

For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases

 Be the bigger person and quench gossip instead of fueling it! If you are in a place that someone else is being slandered stand up and be the bigger person! When you get wind of a gossip do not spread it. Just let it end there.

Revelation 10:12 You need to be very careful of the accuser of the brethren that has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. As a Christian, you aren’t perfect but you have to be careful not to be brought down. 

Remember:

Everyone back biting you is behind your back! Every time they attack you means you are blessed. Sometimes people try to expose whats wrong with you because they cant handle whats right with you! 

 

 PS: 2nd May Marks the start of my blogging journey. My first post went up on 3rd May. I thank God for this far that I have come and Thank you my silent readers, yes, you, you and you. I appreciate every feedback. Positive or negative. Glory to GOD.