Remembering my mum; Mother's day special

Baby girl likes to sleep alone but I trick her into sleeping in my bed, call me the clingy mama. So last night she had a nightmare, (her sitter has been scaring her that if she doesn’t eat she will call rats to feed on her food and maybe her as well) she screamt and I automatically cuddled her, she calmed down and innocently went back to sleep. Someone once told me that a mum’s hug stays longer after she lets go. Looking at her drift back into sleep, I thought about my own mum then. Losing her as a teenager was  the worst thing a girl can go through. Just when you need guidance on everything yes practically everything. (Hellen stepped in as our mum but also passed on) Growing up she was mostly in and out of hospital. She used to laugh so loudly and tear while laughing (yep now you know where I got that from) and liked to whisper when gossipping as if the gossipee could hear even when they are miles away. She was the kindest soul ever and very hardworking.

I hadn’t missed and appreciated her in my life like when I was pregnant. I had a very unhappy pregnancy and didn’t enjoy being pregnant at all. I guess that is why I am not looking forward to having any more kids. I lived alone and didn’t enjoy the fun of feet being rubbed, massages and the random crazy cravings. I would come back from work so tired and the thought of cooking just killed me! Thanks to my friend Roba who would pop in and drop cooked food to last me two or three days. Before baby girl, I hadn’t really had the opportunity to hold a new born and would do everything possible to avoid holding when I visited a new mum. When baby girl came, I had no idea how to change diapers or bathe her or even hold her. I wondered why poop seeped  from the sides and I concluded that she poops too much until someone pointed out that I am suppose to undo the flaps of the diapers, you know. Isn't that common sense? silly me. I was so scared of moving her or even dressing her. She looked so tiny and  fragile. Although everyone said she was a big baby (4.2kgs at birth). I wished every single day that my mum was around, she would have pampered me and made me 'uji' and 'njahe', I was up and about like a week after, yep.Baby girl forced me to grow up and I love her to bits. Mothering is truly natural, today am an expert and I have joined the 'mwalimu-teacher club', you know the ones that tell you don't feed your baby abc, if she/he cries too much give her/him abc because that's definitely colic,lol as if! 

I close my eyes sometimes and try to remember how she looked like, what she looked like. The other day we were going through some old photos of her when she was younger she was so slender and tall. She wore glasses. All I have are memories and a few old photos and I wonder what she would say about every situation in my life. I know for sure she would have stood by me. I work hard because I know that if I fail I have no one to support me. Knowing that I cannot ask for support from anyone, even baby girl's own dad without feeling like I am being bothersome.

Her life is still a mystery to me and I have promised myself that I will uncover everything about her and her life. She seemed very distant most of the time but was quite a story teller. I remember accompanying her  to see off her friends when they visited and they would stand on the road and talk some more for like two hours, does it make any sense? They would have just stayed in the house and finished their business then now leave, no? Well I also do that now.

She was a strict disciplinarian. I mean she would use ‘sosiot’ (a looong stick that is used to clean the milk gourd) so much that I hid when I saw it. Our eldest sister sure got the biggest share of the ‘sosiot’ because she liked to sleep in, I wonder if she still loves her sleep that much. She hated people who spoke swa-english and encouraged us to speak either fluent English or Swahili, no mixing.

I see more of her in me, for example I like to laze on the couch and send baby girl for practically everything, even if I can just stretch my hand and get it for myself. One time I sent her to get my phone from the bedroom and she brings my duvet, phone and book all at once, I am like I just said phone she is like I know mum you will send me for the other things after one minute. Girl! Why didn’t I have that brain when I was your age? My mum would send you for item A and then when you get back she sends you for item B. Or she would call you from miles away only to ask for something that is next to her but she couldn’t just get up to get it.Or she would say bring me 'nini' and I be like what is 'nini'? she would raise her voice like kwani you don't know  that nini for niniring. Lol that's so me right now.

I miss you mum. I thought of you today. I thought of you yesterday and every other day. It ain’t fair that you went just when I needed you. You owe me, you know. Death ripped you away just like that,I have been to hell and back and I know it would have been different if you were here. Sometimes I wonder how life would have turned out. 

Mama’s day is just around the corner. I just can’t help but envy the people who have mamas and have the opportunity to say happy momma's day. I didn’t have the opportunity to enjoy my blood mama. If your mama is alive appreciate her, tell her you love her and actually visit, nope mpesa aint good enough. Its just convenient. And nope it doesn't matter if she was nasty or is still nasty, she is still your mum.

Happy mommas day, till we meet again in heaven.