Saying Goodbye....My way (cont)

This is a sequel to....saying-goodbyewhat-do-you-say-to-kid.

When my mentor said she cannot tell me what to do, that all the answers I needed were in the bible I thought she was Crazy...how can a book help you when you don’t know what to do? Well that's exactly where I found my strength, my comfort and most importantly wisdom. THE WORD OF GOD. This far we have come He has indeed been Ebenezer, because you know what? people, physical people, will eventually give up on you, they will get tired of listening to your worries and rants but the most high God will never forsake you. 

God orders the footsteps of the righteous man, if you sit with him daily and walk with him in all your ways He will show you which way to go. During my LOST moments I happened to run into someone. A RANDOM person. I don't know what led me to him. He was so cuddly. Nope I didn't cuddle with him.  During our conversation, he revealed to me that he has had TWO losses in his life. In a span of ONE Year. First his own child then later his wife. Yet through all that he was able to start over again without EVER questioning God. That was ten years ago. 

So how old was the other kid (He had two kids), when your wife died? He was four. Exactly my daughter’s age when her daddy died. Coincidence? no, God?, yes!. I was super excited that I finally found someone I can relate with, someone who has been through that and came out in one piece! He walked me through his journey and I was super impressed. He answered even the simplest of questions. He was very patient even when I started my ghost questions. Yes, yes I know ghosts don't exist but I still ask. (eyes rolling) 

I have decided to share my journey because someone is going through exactly what I went through. Someone out there could be as lost as I was. No, the ‘He went to Jesus’ story doesn't work for all kids. I am no doctor or psychologist. This worked for us. It might or might not be applicable for or to you, just like the ‘he went up or he is sleeping’ story didn't work for me. I found being real and true to yourself, really simple.

Show Emotion:

I cried in my closet. I didn't want baby girl to see me crying. I would sniff and pretend I have a cold because my eyes were blood shot from all the crying. She didn't show emotion. She was just as blank as they come. I didn’t show her that it is okay to cry. Yes, it is OKAY to cry. To let it out. One morning she asked me in a really soft voice if I was sure her daddy wasn’t coming back. There was a sting of pain in her voice. I said yes. She started ranting about how much she misses him, how much she wants him, how much she wants to kiss his face. I felt her pain that day. She looked so sad and so helpless. I broke down. We held on to each other for a loooong time and I felt some peace. For the first time since the news, she CRIED. I was glad I showed her that it is okay to cry by being the first to cry. I can never hear the last of that though. She had never seen me crying. It was worth it. Our relationship changed that morning and we started talking about him and about everything with deep passion. She requested for a photo of the two of them together and I printed something for her but later made a whole scrap book of them together at different points of her life. She held on to that photo and during the next few days I caught her kissing the photo and talking to it. I guess her way of letting go. 

2. Explain death

This was my hardest part. Once I got comfortable with expressing my emotions around baby girl, I knew that I needed to address the elephant in the room. In fact I think I got too comfortable until one day she caught me off-guard with her questions. '' Where did my daddy go to?"" I said the usual...''to Jesus.''...No explain how? She became firm and no matter how many dudus I showed her she was adamant. I know she is past the age of being distracted by dudus. I knew the time was right. I told her this weekend you are going to get all the answers you have been looking for. 

That weekend we took a trip to my HOME. Where I was born. Where my mummy's remains lay. When we got home, of course after settling in and all that I started showing her around our home. That was her second visit. The first she was about two years old. She was amazed at how old and rickety it looked, like it was about to fall. And bushy, boy I have never seen her more irked out. I took out a picture of my mum. She looks(ed) exactly like my younger siz. Tall and slender. Not skinny. Slender. I asked her if she recognized the person in the photo. She confidently said si that’s Aunty N I shook my head nope. This is my mummy. Her eyes popped in disbelief. ‘Your mummy?’ I said yes

'' Where is she?""

"She is with Jesus"

''Why?'

That was my cue. I had rehearsed for this. 

"See, one day something happened to her and her heart stopped beating''

''She went to sleep?''

''No, she didn't go to sleep. It was 9 O'clock in the morning. She wasn't sleepy. When we sleep we wake up. She didn't wake up. She has never woken up'

Blank look.

''Um See when you are alive like you and I right now, you can smile, you can blink like this, you can wiggle like this...'

she joined in

'''you can laugh and shaky shaky shaky...

'Yes you can do all that and much, much more. But one day Jesus will take that away. At His own time and that's when we say you have gone to be with Jesus. You are dead.

''Oh like my daddy?''

''Yes''

''and your mummy?''

''mmm'' glad I was getting somewhere.

''So you don't have a mummy and I don't have a daddy''

How old were you? Um I was ten...really? (Not really). How old are you now....one million and one? She laughed. 

Then we went out. I took her to my mummy's grave. 

''This is where she is resting''

"In the soil? Yaak, si she is getting germs?""

''Yes but she is okay'' I guess.
Nope she doesn't know her daddy is also in the soil. Not yet. 

Then we talked about germs and who was touching germs in school. After a loong chit chat of this and that and a gazzilion questions about my home, I asked her whether she understood our conversation. She assured me that she did and knows now where her daddy is. 

Great. Thank you Jesus. Slowly she went back to her normal self. All bubbly and super annoying :) She mentions her daddy in passing but understands he is not with us. No he is not sleeping. 

Glory to God for the strength because without him I would be nothing. It is a journey. I know. I know that I will get more questions later. I am prepared and I have promised myself to answer them as best as I can. No more avoidance. I know that she will probably need her daddy more when she is a teenager. I probably will face resistance when I want to settle down, with a man. She will probably want a connection with her paternal relatives. You know what, I am not afraid. Because I know God is faithful. He has seen us through this past five months. Yes it has been ONLY five months. He will see us through the next 20 years. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death we will fear nothing because I KNOW he will be right there with us. Watching over us. Everyday. He is the father to the fatherless. Psalms 68:5

Our daily, DAILY prayer is Psalms 23. We are going to take one day at a time and choose to rejoice every single day. 

Glory to GOD.