My own Version of Waiting

You know I had preset Kronos and I had to get married and settle down by a certain age. When he gave me the ring and moved in with me, I was over the roof and happily played wife. Never mind that he DID NOT marry me, eventually. 

I am good at following trends and being cool...like the rest. 

They said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so I perfected my culinary skills. 

They said A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm;  so I toned down my 'nagging', like where have you been the last four nights? We do not have food for the day, any plans? Where is the rent?' 

They said if you should do away with the 'seng'enge ni Ngo'mbe' T-shirt he will never leave your bed. I love to sleep in my socks, but I invested in sexy lingerie even in the freezing July nights.

They said there are some bedroom tricks that will keep him glued, so I attended every Mombasa Raha, Kitchen party and bridal shower in town. 

They said The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down, so I struggled to keep it together even though inside I was falling apart. My heart was in tiny little pieces. I covered all that up with constant partying and drinking. 

All this and nothing changed. So I started the waiting. Waiting for him to change his mind and become THE MAN. I waited for him to finally open his eyes and realize that I am THE ONE. In the end I realized that many other people were waiting in line. It was wasted years. Everything he said to me, he said to a gazzillion other girls. He sent me a text and I saw that same text to someone else, word for word. Full of sweet nothings. SEVEN YEARS. Of messing with me. With my feelings. 

He made me believe that he was doing me a favour by being with me. 

He made me believe that I was worth nothing

He made me believe that I was ugly.

He made me believe that I was damaged goods, see I already have a child, who would look at me? The stretch marks, the body changes every mother experiences. 

He made me believe that I was unlovable and I always settled for close enough. Afterall I had major weaknesses like anger and see I used to have a way with words, call it anger-speak. 

He stripped me naked physically, financially, emotionally.

He took away my innocence, my dignity, my confidence and most importantly my self esteem. 

I walked on minefields for looong. He cheated. He lied. He stole. He broke every promise. He LIED. From the first day. They told me to stay away. I was blinded. By what I thought was love. ''Love may not be literally blind, but it does seem to be literally incapable of reason and the levels of appropriate negativity necessary for realism'' Dr Thomas. It was infatuation. 

See most of US, do not know the difference between infatuation and sense. I for one did not know that you cannot EAT love. Like to settle down you have to make SANE decisions and not be with someone just because you are romantically attracted to them. BOOM. 

I realised that I was in love with the pain he caused me. The pain of betrayal. But wait a minute, there was no love, how can there be betrayal? 

I realised I am always in a hurry to settle down. I dont take time to WAIT. Not for Mr right because I am no Miss right. Just to wait on GOD. His timing. His Choice for me. Because hey, He knows me and HE is the perfect match maker. 

If I had known that it was never about me, all along, if I had known my worth in Christ, If I had known that it was HIM and not ME, then it would have hurt less when I found out about the others waiting in line. 

I am not the perfect girl.

Lipstick doesn't like me, it smudges.

I have lots of bush behaviour. I laugh till I tear. I over-sauce my fries and eat them with my fingers. I also eat chicken with my hands. 

I am crazy about chocolate. I scoop icecream until the bowl needs no washing.

When I am mad I talk and talk and I am not afraid of saying that I am unhappy about x,y,z.

When I am excited my talking is incomprehensible.

My sentences are punctuated by baby girl this, baby girl that because she is my WORLD. 

I am no Cinderella, I am the wicked step mother. I am the FIRE spitting dragon. 

BUT today I make a choice to WAIT.

I choose to wait because I know someone will be okay with this. Okay with my weaknesses. Okay with my imperfection. 

I choose to wait because I don't want to be who I am NOT for the rest of my life. 

I choose to wait because I want the one who gets me. 

I will no longer date randoms.

I will no longer try to be what he wants me to be and act like every word he says is okay.

I will no longer settle for close enough.

I will no longer be in undefined relationships, sometimes just friends, sometimes, more than that depending on the occasion or situation.

I will no longer run to randoms for a temporary high during my low moments

I will no longer confide to a random who will wonder why you are having this conversation with them or maybe who died and made them a shrink. 

I am done with wondering if he is the one, because today he is all over tomorrow he is all zoned out.

I am done with forcing meet ups and hook ups because I am not in any of his plans for the weekend.

I am done with feeling all down because he didnt call, or text, or forgot my birthday yet I made myself his agenda.

They all say just settle for any one. 'tafuta kamtu tu wakujishikilia', see you have a child, how old are you again? 

But I know that HE will restore all that I have lost. All the years that the locust has eaten. 

He will give me a good husband and a father to my child. 

I want to be loved because I have never known true love. 

I want to be wanted for more than just my body

I long for genuine 'how are you's not just as conversation starters

I long to be cared for and pampered

I crave to be wanted, to be missed.

SO, 

I shall wait for the one who is after God's own heart

I shall wait for the one who is saved not lukewarm because I will not do ministry dating. Dating and hoping to make him like God. 

I shall wait for the visionary and a leader who will be responsible for everything around me.

I shall wait for the cultivator who will make me a better person and will make everything around me better.

I will wait for the teacher who will teach me God's word daily and educate my daughter and I on the things we do not know

I shall wait for the protector who will protect us physically and emotionally and will always want what is best for us.

I shall wait for the provider who will provide for us whole heartedly

I shall wait for he who is honest. No more LIES. 

So on this day I make a decision TO WAIT. I SHALL WAIT.