The End of ME....

These past two months I have been so downcast. Like I just wanted to shut myself out of the world and be alone. Nothing excites me. Nothing gives me the high anymore. Not writing, Not chatting aka crazy texting, not doing random lunches, not movies, not plays. Nothing. By the way I finally got a new phone, not new parse, (I went to my sister's place, held a gun to her head and took it) but no I don't even know how to operate so it hasn't given me the high I was kinda hoping for, different from my mulika mwizi though.

I worry about everything, day one I worry about A and when A is sorted, Day two comes and I start worrying about B. I have nibbled all my nails, moved to baby girl's nails, finished, moved to pens finished, I am just about to eat my phone, yes the one I stole. 

I have been so far away from God. The things that I had stopped doing I started doing again, the doors I had closed I started opening. I feel like a certain grace has been lifted from me. I feel so far off. I started struggling with reading God's word and praying. So baby girl has been doing the reading, she reads Phil 4:4, has bookmarked it, crammed it but refuses to read anything else even our favourite Psalms 23. Then prays. A mixed up prayer. Prays for her daddy every night. I love Jesus who is with my daddy, please take care of him. Until I realised that God was speaking to me through her. To rejoice in the LORD. To find my joy in HIM. Imagine. 

I feel like there have been too many downs and not enough ups in this roller-coaster called life and some sort of darkness keeps following me. 

I feel like I am stretched.  Like I have let MYSELF be in control instead of God. I cannot even be trusted. I keep insisting on my own way and clearly its always a dead end. I keep making the wrong choices. I have decided to begin a journey, again, this time I choose to take a different path, without ME. 

I need to come to THE END OF ME. 

I read Psalms 102 and I saw myself right there:

Psalms 102: 4 My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;

I forget to eat my bread.

I forgot to eat my bread.

Not literally, because I can never forget to eat. I just eat and eat and eat. Even when I am on diet, but I forgot to eat the word. You know the part where the word says food for life? Yes. So I wasn't reading God's word. I would open the bible and I just feel no inspiration at all. Zero. And I slowly began to wither away like grass, and when I was attacked I was not able to make every thought captive and obedient to Christ because really I couldn't even remember a single verse. Really. 

Psalms 102: 9 For I eat ashes like bread

and mingle tears with my drink,

Ashes means negativity. I took in Lots of negativity. If someone said I was worthless, I would say yes, very worthless. If someone told me I would amount to nothing I nodded and said yes. People at work say work sucks, I would agree and say how much I hate my boss. I sat in all the negative parties that existed. I loved being around people who say the world is about to end. Not those who speak life. I even started finding reasons not to go for my morning devotion and weekly fellowship. Do you know I actually skipped Sunday service! I realised that I begun to die spiritually and everything that I had hoped for began to fade away. I was in this dungeon or dark tunnel with no hope of ever crawling out. Can you believe I still cry? I know I don't even know why I cry but boy I cry. Random Things just make me cry. 

Then he sent someone to regard my prayer. Something happened that made me snap back to reality. God happened! He let me cry then he regarded my prayer which I found hard to make by the way. But I looked and I saw Him. ...

he regards the prayer of the destitute

and does not despise their prayer.

All I needed was Jesus. Just to touch the hem of His garment. 

Luke 8:40 She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased

Luke 8:49

Then I began to go back on track then a voice (satan) kept reminding me of all the negative things, you know the worthlessness, the you will make the wrong choices till kingdom come and the likes and I began to get scared, really scared. But one LOUD voice said clearly : “Do not fear; only believe, and you will be well.” Over and over and over. All I needed to do was only believe and it would be done.

I re-read the story of the widow (2nd Kings 4), who was so insignificant that no one even bothered to record her name. She was so desperate and so in debt and didn't know what to do. I related. The feeling of insignificance. The desperation. 

One thing that stood out for me was the part that Elisha said close the door. Shut the door. Probably because he didn't want all the people who had lend her jars to see what's going on and want their jars back full of oil, but really because he wanted that moment to be private. All my life have I done that? shut the door or closed the door behind me? Just to have private moments with God? Nope never. I am always quick to post everything on social media. Every single thing that I experience even before I am ready to share it with the world I find myself posting it on social media. Someone is unwell, four seconds later its up, I am broke, its up, I am heartbroken its up. Its like I am more interested in the public persona than I am in my private life. But I began to realise God is interested in my PRIVATE LIFE. What goes on when no one is looking. I closed the door for TWO months and began to look for HIM. 

Coming to the end of ME means:

•  I will shut out the public opinions and worldly applause and seek only to please God
• Allowing God to choose me, not because I am the Most qualified, but because of His Grace alone.
• Knowing that I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death and YET fear NOTHING. 
• And lastly allowing GOD to work in My weakness. I am oh so weak, but then that is when His STRENGTH is made perfect.

You know I seem not to believe that nothing will change. I will get no answers and everything will remain as is. As in everything is at its finality. 

Jesus come into my heart and calm this storm that is so brewing in my heart. I have no control of anything at all. I am loosing it. 

I so need to come to the end of me: so the voice says: “Do not fear; only believe, and you will be well.”

Let GO my soul and TRUST in HIM. The waves and the wind STILL know HIS name.