2015, my year of Healing

I have been out. Literally. There was a dark cloud that engulfed me and I was unable to see. To express myself. To write. I have been away for what seems like forever. 2015 for me was a year of mixed up experiences, with a roller-coaster of emotions. I was taking stock of my life in crime....not really, just my life and I noticed that 2015 was my year of healing. REALLY. Going through all that I had been going through, I realized that I was letting go, in a crazy juggled up way, but yes I was letting go. Healing like I said before is not instant coffee, its a process. I allowed myself to go through all the phases, including the nothing phase where I felt nothing. Zero emotions. Like drinking flat beer. Or soda. 

Regret: I had a lot of shoulda,coulda, woulda moments especially in matters of my relationship. I know I made wrong choices from the word go but kept going for the thrill.  I wrote my own version of waiting just to highlight on how my ideal man should be. This time, no settling. And it is my prayer. 

Accepting death: I had to bring baby girl to accept that he is gone and to do this, I had to accept it myself. Explaining  death to a kid is one of the hardest things to do. Explaining WHY, is even worse. I can never wish that experience on my worst enemy. It was one of the hardest moments in my life.

Loneliness: Then there was loneliness. Nothing made me happy. I tried to fill the vacuum with so many other things. 

Anger: I was so angry. For some reason,  I felt cheated. Like our whole life meant nothing. I slept with a whip hoping that he would come back. I had a mental picture of how I would beat the crap out of him, then maybe I would get the relief I was hoping for. I was never angry at his death. I made peace with that. I was angry because of the crappy life he lived. I was part of that crap. That made me angry. 

Surrender - I finally had it. I was done with feeling. I knew I just had to bring things to a close. And that is when I came to the end of me. The last three months I stopped worrying, being anxious or having those shoulda moments. I have come to understand that nothing will ever change and I will never have those a thousand and one conversations I have with him in my head. I do most of the talking, all he is allowed to do is nod. I know that lightning will never strike those who supposedly wronged me during that period. Please note, supposedly. I reached a point where I wanted sympathy from everyone, and those who weren't giving me that were on my list. The bad list. The ones that supported the other camp also made it to that list.

All in all, its been a journey. Blood, sweat and tears. Okay no blood, no sweat, just tears, lots of tears. And angry words. I think I have used all the explicit words in the dictionary. 

I really give God all the glory, he has been so patient with me, even if I had been mostly stupid. Well, I might have called Him names, interesting names. And I am so thankful for His Mercy. His mercies that are new everyday. He shows us mercy even when we don't deserve it, how amazing is that?

I will finally go back to blogging about random stuff, love, life and girls. But its all about Jesus.

 

2016. My year of rebuilding broken walls.