2015, my year of Healing

I have been out. Literally. There was a dark cloud that engulfed me and I was unable to see. To express myself. To write. I have been away for what seems like forever. 2015 for me was a year of mixed up experiences, with a roller-coaster of emotions. I was taking stock of my life in crime....not really, just my life and I noticed that 2015 was my year of healing. REALLY. Going through all that I had been going through, I realized that I was letting go, in a crazy juggled up way, but yes I was letting go. Healing like I said before is not instant coffee, its a process. I allowed myself to go through all the phases, including the nothing phase where I felt nothing. Zero emotions. Like drinking flat beer. Or soda. 

Regret: I had a lot of shoulda,coulda, woulda moments especially in matters of my relationship. I know I made wrong choices from the word go but kept going for the thrill.  I wrote my own version of waiting just to highlight on how my ideal man should be. This time, no settling. And it is my prayer. 

Accepting death: I had to bring baby girl to accept that he is gone and to do this, I had to accept it myself. Explaining  death to a kid is one of the hardest things to do. Explaining WHY, is even worse. I can never wish that experience on my worst enemy. It was one of the hardest moments in my life.

Loneliness: Then there was loneliness. Nothing made me happy. I tried to fill the vacuum with so many other things. 

Anger: I was so angry. For some reason,  I felt cheated. Like our whole life meant nothing. I slept with a whip hoping that he would come back. I had a mental picture of how I would beat the crap out of him, then maybe I would get the relief I was hoping for. I was never angry at his death. I made peace with that. I was angry because of the crappy life he lived. I was part of that crap. That made me angry. 

Surrender - I finally had it. I was done with feeling. I knew I just had to bring things to a close. And that is when I came to the end of me. The last three months I stopped worrying, being anxious or having those shoulda moments. I have come to understand that nothing will ever change and I will never have those a thousand and one conversations I have with him in my head. I do most of the talking, all he is allowed to do is nod. I know that lightning will never strike those who supposedly wronged me during that period. Please note, supposedly. I reached a point where I wanted sympathy from everyone, and those who weren't giving me that were on my list. The bad list. The ones that supported the other camp also made it to that list.

All in all, its been a journey. Blood, sweat and tears. Okay no blood, no sweat, just tears, lots of tears. And angry words. I think I have used all the explicit words in the dictionary. 

I really give God all the glory, he has been so patient with me, even if I had been mostly stupid. Well, I might have called Him names, interesting names. And I am so thankful for His Mercy. His mercies that are new everyday. He shows us mercy even when we don't deserve it, how amazing is that?

I will finally go back to blogging about random stuff, love, life and girls. But its all about Jesus.

 

2016. My year of rebuilding broken walls.

The End of ME....

These past two months I have been so downcast. Like I just wanted to shut myself out of the world and be alone. Nothing excites me. Nothing gives me the high anymore. Not writing, Not chatting aka crazy texting, not doing random lunches, not movies, not plays. Nothing. By the way I finally got a new phone, not new parse, (I went to my sister's place, held a gun to her head and took it) but no I don't even know how to operate so it hasn't given me the high I was kinda hoping for, different from my mulika mwizi though.

I worry about everything, day one I worry about A and when A is sorted, Day two comes and I start worrying about B. I have nibbled all my nails, moved to baby girl's nails, finished, moved to pens finished, I am just about to eat my phone, yes the one I stole. 

I have been so far away from God. The things that I had stopped doing I started doing again, the doors I had closed I started opening. I feel like a certain grace has been lifted from me. I feel so far off. I started struggling with reading God's word and praying. So baby girl has been doing the reading, she reads Phil 4:4, has bookmarked it, crammed it but refuses to read anything else even our favourite Psalms 23. Then prays. A mixed up prayer. Prays for her daddy every night. I love Jesus who is with my daddy, please take care of him. Until I realised that God was speaking to me through her. To rejoice in the LORD. To find my joy in HIM. Imagine. 

I feel like there have been too many downs and not enough ups in this roller-coaster called life and some sort of darkness keeps following me. 

I feel like I am stretched.  Like I have let MYSELF be in control instead of God. I cannot even be trusted. I keep insisting on my own way and clearly its always a dead end. I keep making the wrong choices. I have decided to begin a journey, again, this time I choose to take a different path, without ME. 

I need to come to THE END OF ME. 

I read Psalms 102 and I saw myself right there:

Psalms 102: 4 My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;

I forget to eat my bread.

I forgot to eat my bread.

Not literally, because I can never forget to eat. I just eat and eat and eat. Even when I am on diet, but I forgot to eat the word. You know the part where the word says food for life? Yes. So I wasn't reading God's word. I would open the bible and I just feel no inspiration at all. Zero. And I slowly began to wither away like grass, and when I was attacked I was not able to make every thought captive and obedient to Christ because really I couldn't even remember a single verse. Really. 

Psalms 102: 9 For I eat ashes like bread

and mingle tears with my drink,

Ashes means negativity. I took in Lots of negativity. If someone said I was worthless, I would say yes, very worthless. If someone told me I would amount to nothing I nodded and said yes. People at work say work sucks, I would agree and say how much I hate my boss. I sat in all the negative parties that existed. I loved being around people who say the world is about to end. Not those who speak life. I even started finding reasons not to go for my morning devotion and weekly fellowship. Do you know I actually skipped Sunday service! I realised that I begun to die spiritually and everything that I had hoped for began to fade away. I was in this dungeon or dark tunnel with no hope of ever crawling out. Can you believe I still cry? I know I don't even know why I cry but boy I cry. Random Things just make me cry. 

Then he sent someone to regard my prayer. Something happened that made me snap back to reality. God happened! He let me cry then he regarded my prayer which I found hard to make by the way. But I looked and I saw Him. ...

he regards the prayer of the destitute

and does not despise their prayer.

All I needed was Jesus. Just to touch the hem of His garment. 

Luke 8:40 She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased

Luke 8:49

Then I began to go back on track then a voice (satan) kept reminding me of all the negative things, you know the worthlessness, the you will make the wrong choices till kingdom come and the likes and I began to get scared, really scared. But one LOUD voice said clearly : “Do not fear; only believe, and you will be well.” Over and over and over. All I needed to do was only believe and it would be done.

I re-read the story of the widow (2nd Kings 4), who was so insignificant that no one even bothered to record her name. She was so desperate and so in debt and didn't know what to do. I related. The feeling of insignificance. The desperation. 

One thing that stood out for me was the part that Elisha said close the door. Shut the door. Probably because he didn't want all the people who had lend her jars to see what's going on and want their jars back full of oil, but really because he wanted that moment to be private. All my life have I done that? shut the door or closed the door behind me? Just to have private moments with God? Nope never. I am always quick to post everything on social media. Every single thing that I experience even before I am ready to share it with the world I find myself posting it on social media. Someone is unwell, four seconds later its up, I am broke, its up, I am heartbroken its up. Its like I am more interested in the public persona than I am in my private life. But I began to realise God is interested in my PRIVATE LIFE. What goes on when no one is looking. I closed the door for TWO months and began to look for HIM. 

Coming to the end of ME means:

•  I will shut out the public opinions and worldly applause and seek only to please God
• Allowing God to choose me, not because I am the Most qualified, but because of His Grace alone.
• Knowing that I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death and YET fear NOTHING. 
• And lastly allowing GOD to work in My weakness. I am oh so weak, but then that is when His STRENGTH is made perfect.

You know I seem not to believe that nothing will change. I will get no answers and everything will remain as is. As in everything is at its finality. 

Jesus come into my heart and calm this storm that is so brewing in my heart. I have no control of anything at all. I am loosing it. 

I so need to come to the end of me: so the voice says: “Do not fear; only believe, and you will be well.”

Let GO my soul and TRUST in HIM. The waves and the wind STILL know HIS name. 

The Angry Widow

PHOTO:COURTESY

Yes, yes yes, go ahead just laugh if you want to. I am not a widow, heck I was not even married. Seven years of games and near-married-experiences. I have no idea how I got here. Every time I google to look for someone going through my hell I find nothing. Everything I find is on widows who were so, so in love and have nothing but FOND memories of their spouses. I thought I saw a page full of dead-beat dads somewhere, no? maybe it was all made up. Everyone seems to glorify the dead. It is like I didn't get the memo that said once you die you suddenly become a saint even if you were a total douchebag here on earth. Oh Please someone pin it up? like now? 

Oh dear world forgive me for thinking the earth revolves around me. Like its always about me and my feelings. If I hate broccoli all of you should go ahead and hate it too! I completely forget people are allowed to like broccoli. Even if it tastes so so yaaaaak to me. I always tend to forget one thing. A person may have been flawed to ME but had people who loved him that way or even overlooked their flaws. I know, I am so flawed myself and someone out there hates me so bad.

Why the title? Oh hail sarcasm. I have always wanted to get married. I have visions of my wedding down to the theme. I have longed to have the dash in my name. No I have never planned to change my name but I have always wanted to have the dash. You know B****-Someonesomeone. No you wont get it. 

Be kind to the person who leaves a mark not a scar. 

I am one scarred person. DEEPLY SCARRED. No wounded. Every time I am close to forming a scar, something bruises the wound again and again. Its like I am addicted to the pain from this wound. I forgave and let go. But the pain just keeps coming back, especially when I walk down memory lane.

I was so content with sending him constant reminders of how big an idiot he was and how much of my time he had wasted. Exact words. I had sworn that I would send him the messages till kingdom come. He never responded but I got the satisfaction that he read them, (you know that feeling, right?) well until one day he told me that he didn't even read them. Bummer.

THEN DEATH HAPPENED. And the messages had to stop. BUT NOTHING CHANGED. My feelings didn't change.  

The dead cannot cry out for justice neither can they defend themselves and MY ANGER thus has no where to go. If he had died in January or February or March, when he was a perfect stranger, then I would feel nothing like zero. Of course I would MOURN deeply for my daughter who loved him so very much but not for myself. Just like the way you would do for someone you used to know, but not intimately. But he made contact, like all he wanted to do was to torment me right before he left. How do you explain that? Like he knew how I had picked up the pieces of my life and moved on, (except the texting part), right, then he said oh well let me come and mess up her life one last time. 

He resurfaced. LIED. LIED and lied. I almost believed that he would literally die without me. Okay I almost believed I was the one that made his heart skip a beat... oh well that I was the one he would move mountains for. Si he told me I am the only bean in his githeri? Boy he hated githeri. See we girls are so vulnerable. We fall so easily, especially if you had a weak spot for that person before. All I wanted was to see our family together again. For baby girl at least, she loved her dad to bits. 

I AM ANGRY because everyone asks why are you hurting? Si you two had separated? Kwani I am a stone? The years I shared with Him we were strangers ama? Newsflash. I am a human being with blood in my veins. Healing is NOT INSTANT COFFEE! Give a sister TIME. And don't ask me how are you as a greeting. Stick to hi ama sasa. I am the same as I was yesterday or the day before or the day before that. BROKEN.

Please take a sneak-peek of my life: 

(Extract Courtesy)

Me:Love... grief... heartache... sad eyes. Death emission overload.

MY FRIENDS: Refuse to listen/observe. Offers platitudes.

ME: Grief... heartache... sad eyes. Death emission overload.

MY FRIEND: Refuse to listen. More platitudes. Push against death emissions. Suppress.

ME: Reacts to grief suppression. Anger... rage... irritation...

MY FRIEND: Push push push... keep pushing until she smiles.

Ignore... ignore... ignore... keep ignoring until she smiles.

Distract distract distract... keep distracting until she smiles.

ME: Smiles with sad eyes.

MY FRIEND: Observes 'smile'. Relief!

Hallelujah, she's healed.

Long live [the pretence of] immortality. 

 The only hope for those around me is that I move on quickly, suppress the grief, smile and look on the bright side. People will always look for 'the bright side' regardless of how screwed up things are. 

I believe that if you can look me straight in the eye and lie to me then you have no respect for me at all. 

Most people are angry because they now have to pay bills on their own, they could have endless court wrangles over property, or what not, but not me. Nothing changed. I still depend on GOD entirely for our provision. For our DAILY bread. He gives it to us. I still make sacrifices for baby girl. Relax there was no fortune. So no I am not suddenly the rich widow.  

I am just gonna go ahead and address him. 

Dear Husband,

I wonder if you saw this: when-its-all-been-said-and-done. Just checking because I didn't get the relief I was hoping for and I am still hurting. 

Let me remind you of two important dates. 5th May 2009. We made promises. Lots of promises. It was the best weekend of my life. 14th February 2010. Baby girl was here, you bought us flowers she couldn't feel yet, she was weeks old. But we renewed the promises and called them vows and included her. The first was? never to betray each other. To always stand by each other. It was my best valentines, still is so far. No you didn't seem to remember those dates. 

I AM so ANGRY because of the way things unfolded. I wish I could just scream. I cannot even begin to put down on paper about why I am angry. We were taught to respect the dead. I wish to be respected when I die. I wish I had the freedom to just write all the madness . I wish you could hear me right now. 

I am angry because when they sent messages to taunt me and torment me, making me feel so low, making me feel the side dish, (yet you said I was the one, the one that you took home to your parents,)

you defended them instead of me, 

I needed you to protect my emotions but you made me feel like a street whore. 

When I almost lost all my family because of you know what, I stood up for you, I protected you,

and when they almost left, I needed you to be the only family left, 

Instead you left leaving behind a big trail of damage. 

When I was angry and full of rage, 

I needed you to reassure me and calm me down,

instead you mocked me and made me feel like a monster. 

I cried myself to sleep so many times because of all the broken promises,

I needed you to be there because you promised to always be there,

instead you were the one that caused all the pain and tears.

I needed you to provide for us, to be the father,

instead you spent your money pursuing other things,

eating like a king, expensive clothes and designer colognes, creating the illusion of rich,

but in reality people who mattered lived in utter desperation.

I needed you to be there when baby girl was unwell,

All you said was 'May God Heal her'

Then you went ahead to make it rain for THEM, not bothered at all about baby girl's health, two weeks before you died. 

We felt so unloved.

We needed you to say that we mean the world to you,

we needed you to say that you love us EXCLUSIVELY,

Instead I learnt that the words I love you are MEANINGLESS, 

Finally I needed answers when all the allegations were made against you,

when everyone stood up and said all the nasty things, and disrespected us, we were crushed, 

Instead here I am speaking to the computer hoping you will rise and say they were all lies. That you never meant to embarrass baby girl and I. That it was all a prank and we can wake up and re-live again. That we actually MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU. That WHAT WE HAD was not but a show. 

I am so scarred I don't even know if I will ever LOVE again.

I have no idea why you resurfaced.

I am so MAD at you I am Literally spitting FIRE. 

Feel FREE to leave a response right here when you get the chance.

Signed, your beloved wife now turned; 

The angry widow.