The End of ME....

These past two months I have been so downcast. Like I just wanted to shut myself out of the world and be alone. Nothing excites me. Nothing gives me the high anymore. Not writing, Not chatting aka crazy texting, not doing random lunches, not movies, not plays. Nothing. By the way I finally got a new phone, not new parse, (I went to my sister's place, held a gun to her head and took it) but no I don't even know how to operate so it hasn't given me the high I was kinda hoping for, different from my mulika mwizi though.

I worry about everything, day one I worry about A and when A is sorted, Day two comes and I start worrying about B. I have nibbled all my nails, moved to baby girl's nails, finished, moved to pens finished, I am just about to eat my phone, yes the one I stole. 

I have been so far away from God. The things that I had stopped doing I started doing again, the doors I had closed I started opening. I feel like a certain grace has been lifted from me. I feel so far off. I started struggling with reading God's word and praying. So baby girl has been doing the reading, she reads Phil 4:4, has bookmarked it, crammed it but refuses to read anything else even our favourite Psalms 23. Then prays. A mixed up prayer. Prays for her daddy every night. I love Jesus who is with my daddy, please take care of him. Until I realised that God was speaking to me through her. To rejoice in the LORD. To find my joy in HIM. Imagine. 

I feel like there have been too many downs and not enough ups in this roller-coaster called life and some sort of darkness keeps following me. 

I feel like I am stretched.  Like I have let MYSELF be in control instead of God. I cannot even be trusted. I keep insisting on my own way and clearly its always a dead end. I keep making the wrong choices. I have decided to begin a journey, again, this time I choose to take a different path, without ME. 

I need to come to THE END OF ME. 

I read Psalms 102 and I saw myself right there:

Psalms 102: 4 My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;

I forget to eat my bread.

I forgot to eat my bread.

Not literally, because I can never forget to eat. I just eat and eat and eat. Even when I am on diet, but I forgot to eat the word. You know the part where the word says food for life? Yes. So I wasn't reading God's word. I would open the bible and I just feel no inspiration at all. Zero. And I slowly began to wither away like grass, and when I was attacked I was not able to make every thought captive and obedient to Christ because really I couldn't even remember a single verse. Really. 

Psalms 102: 9 For I eat ashes like bread

and mingle tears with my drink,

Ashes means negativity. I took in Lots of negativity. If someone said I was worthless, I would say yes, very worthless. If someone told me I would amount to nothing I nodded and said yes. People at work say work sucks, I would agree and say how much I hate my boss. I sat in all the negative parties that existed. I loved being around people who say the world is about to end. Not those who speak life. I even started finding reasons not to go for my morning devotion and weekly fellowship. Do you know I actually skipped Sunday service! I realised that I begun to die spiritually and everything that I had hoped for began to fade away. I was in this dungeon or dark tunnel with no hope of ever crawling out. Can you believe I still cry? I know I don't even know why I cry but boy I cry. Random Things just make me cry. 

Then he sent someone to regard my prayer. Something happened that made me snap back to reality. God happened! He let me cry then he regarded my prayer which I found hard to make by the way. But I looked and I saw Him. ...

he regards the prayer of the destitute

and does not despise their prayer.

All I needed was Jesus. Just to touch the hem of His garment. 

Luke 8:40 She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased

Luke 8:49

Then I began to go back on track then a voice (satan) kept reminding me of all the negative things, you know the worthlessness, the you will make the wrong choices till kingdom come and the likes and I began to get scared, really scared. But one LOUD voice said clearly : “Do not fear; only believe, and you will be well.” Over and over and over. All I needed to do was only believe and it would be done.

I re-read the story of the widow (2nd Kings 4), who was so insignificant that no one even bothered to record her name. She was so desperate and so in debt and didn't know what to do. I related. The feeling of insignificance. The desperation. 

One thing that stood out for me was the part that Elisha said close the door. Shut the door. Probably because he didn't want all the people who had lend her jars to see what's going on and want their jars back full of oil, but really because he wanted that moment to be private. All my life have I done that? shut the door or closed the door behind me? Just to have private moments with God? Nope never. I am always quick to post everything on social media. Every single thing that I experience even before I am ready to share it with the world I find myself posting it on social media. Someone is unwell, four seconds later its up, I am broke, its up, I am heartbroken its up. Its like I am more interested in the public persona than I am in my private life. But I began to realise God is interested in my PRIVATE LIFE. What goes on when no one is looking. I closed the door for TWO months and began to look for HIM. 

Coming to the end of ME means:

•  I will shut out the public opinions and worldly applause and seek only to please God
• Allowing God to choose me, not because I am the Most qualified, but because of His Grace alone.
• Knowing that I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death and YET fear NOTHING. 
• And lastly allowing GOD to work in My weakness. I am oh so weak, but then that is when His STRENGTH is made perfect.

You know I seem not to believe that nothing will change. I will get no answers and everything will remain as is. As in everything is at its finality. 

Jesus come into my heart and calm this storm that is so brewing in my heart. I have no control of anything at all. I am loosing it. 

I so need to come to the end of me: so the voice says: “Do not fear; only believe, and you will be well.”

Let GO my soul and TRUST in HIM. The waves and the wind STILL know HIS name. 

The Angry Widow

PHOTO:COURTESY

Yes, yes yes, go ahead just laugh if you want to. I am not a widow, heck I was not even married. Seven years of games and near-married-experiences. I have no idea how I got here. Every time I google to look for someone going through my hell I find nothing. Everything I find is on widows who were so, so in love and have nothing but FOND memories of their spouses. I thought I saw a page full of dead-beat dads somewhere, no? maybe it was all made up. Everyone seems to glorify the dead. It is like I didn't get the memo that said once you die you suddenly become a saint even if you were a total douchebag here on earth. Oh Please someone pin it up? like now? 

Oh dear world forgive me for thinking the earth revolves around me. Like its always about me and my feelings. If I hate broccoli all of you should go ahead and hate it too! I completely forget people are allowed to like broccoli. Even if it tastes so so yaaaaak to me. I always tend to forget one thing. A person may have been flawed to ME but had people who loved him that way or even overlooked their flaws. I know, I am so flawed myself and someone out there hates me so bad.

Why the title? Oh hail sarcasm. I have always wanted to get married. I have visions of my wedding down to the theme. I have longed to have the dash in my name. No I have never planned to change my name but I have always wanted to have the dash. You know B****-Someonesomeone. No you wont get it. 

Be kind to the person who leaves a mark not a scar. 

I am one scarred person. DEEPLY SCARRED. No wounded. Every time I am close to forming a scar, something bruises the wound again and again. Its like I am addicted to the pain from this wound. I forgave and let go. But the pain just keeps coming back, especially when I walk down memory lane.

I was so content with sending him constant reminders of how big an idiot he was and how much of my time he had wasted. Exact words. I had sworn that I would send him the messages till kingdom come. He never responded but I got the satisfaction that he read them, (you know that feeling, right?) well until one day he told me that he didn't even read them. Bummer.

THEN DEATH HAPPENED. And the messages had to stop. BUT NOTHING CHANGED. My feelings didn't change.  

The dead cannot cry out for justice neither can they defend themselves and MY ANGER thus has no where to go. If he had died in January or February or March, when he was a perfect stranger, then I would feel nothing like zero. Of course I would MOURN deeply for my daughter who loved him so very much but not for myself. Just like the way you would do for someone you used to know, but not intimately. But he made contact, like all he wanted to do was to torment me right before he left. How do you explain that? Like he knew how I had picked up the pieces of my life and moved on, (except the texting part), right, then he said oh well let me come and mess up her life one last time. 

He resurfaced. LIED. LIED and lied. I almost believed that he would literally die without me. Okay I almost believed I was the one that made his heart skip a beat... oh well that I was the one he would move mountains for. Si he told me I am the only bean in his githeri? Boy he hated githeri. See we girls are so vulnerable. We fall so easily, especially if you had a weak spot for that person before. All I wanted was to see our family together again. For baby girl at least, she loved her dad to bits. 

I AM ANGRY because everyone asks why are you hurting? Si you two had separated? Kwani I am a stone? The years I shared with Him we were strangers ama? Newsflash. I am a human being with blood in my veins. Healing is NOT INSTANT COFFEE! Give a sister TIME. And don't ask me how are you as a greeting. Stick to hi ama sasa. I am the same as I was yesterday or the day before or the day before that. BROKEN.

Please take a sneak-peek of my life: 

(Extract Courtesy)

Me:Love... grief... heartache... sad eyes. Death emission overload.

MY FRIENDS: Refuse to listen/observe. Offers platitudes.

ME: Grief... heartache... sad eyes. Death emission overload.

MY FRIEND: Refuse to listen. More platitudes. Push against death emissions. Suppress.

ME: Reacts to grief suppression. Anger... rage... irritation...

MY FRIEND: Push push push... keep pushing until she smiles.

Ignore... ignore... ignore... keep ignoring until she smiles.

Distract distract distract... keep distracting until she smiles.

ME: Smiles with sad eyes.

MY FRIEND: Observes 'smile'. Relief!

Hallelujah, she's healed.

Long live [the pretence of] immortality. 

 The only hope for those around me is that I move on quickly, suppress the grief, smile and look on the bright side. People will always look for 'the bright side' regardless of how screwed up things are. 

I believe that if you can look me straight in the eye and lie to me then you have no respect for me at all. 

Most people are angry because they now have to pay bills on their own, they could have endless court wrangles over property, or what not, but not me. Nothing changed. I still depend on GOD entirely for our provision. For our DAILY bread. He gives it to us. I still make sacrifices for baby girl. Relax there was no fortune. So no I am not suddenly the rich widow.  

I am just gonna go ahead and address him. 

Dear Husband,

I wonder if you saw this: when-its-all-been-said-and-done. Just checking because I didn't get the relief I was hoping for and I am still hurting. 

Let me remind you of two important dates. 5th May 2009. We made promises. Lots of promises. It was the best weekend of my life. 14th February 2010. Baby girl was here, you bought us flowers she couldn't feel yet, she was weeks old. But we renewed the promises and called them vows and included her. The first was? never to betray each other. To always stand by each other. It was my best valentines, still is so far. No you didn't seem to remember those dates. 

I AM so ANGRY because of the way things unfolded. I wish I could just scream. I cannot even begin to put down on paper about why I am angry. We were taught to respect the dead. I wish to be respected when I die. I wish I had the freedom to just write all the madness . I wish you could hear me right now. 

I am angry because when they sent messages to taunt me and torment me, making me feel so low, making me feel the side dish, (yet you said I was the one, the one that you took home to your parents,)

you defended them instead of me, 

I needed you to protect my emotions but you made me feel like a street whore. 

When I almost lost all my family because of you know what, I stood up for you, I protected you,

and when they almost left, I needed you to be the only family left, 

Instead you left leaving behind a big trail of damage. 

When I was angry and full of rage, 

I needed you to reassure me and calm me down,

instead you mocked me and made me feel like a monster. 

I cried myself to sleep so many times because of all the broken promises,

I needed you to be there because you promised to always be there,

instead you were the one that caused all the pain and tears.

I needed you to provide for us, to be the father,

instead you spent your money pursuing other things,

eating like a king, expensive clothes and designer colognes, creating the illusion of rich,

but in reality people who mattered lived in utter desperation.

I needed you to be there when baby girl was unwell,

All you said was 'May God Heal her'

Then you went ahead to make it rain for THEM, not bothered at all about baby girl's health, two weeks before you died. 

We felt so unloved.

We needed you to say that we mean the world to you,

we needed you to say that you love us EXCLUSIVELY,

Instead I learnt that the words I love you are MEANINGLESS, 

Finally I needed answers when all the allegations were made against you,

when everyone stood up and said all the nasty things, and disrespected us, we were crushed, 

Instead here I am speaking to the computer hoping you will rise and say they were all lies. That you never meant to embarrass baby girl and I. That it was all a prank and we can wake up and re-live again. That we actually MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU. That WHAT WE HAD was not but a show. 

I am so scarred I don't even know if I will ever LOVE again.

I have no idea why you resurfaced.

I am so MAD at you I am Literally spitting FIRE. 

Feel FREE to leave a response right here when you get the chance.

Signed, your beloved wife now turned; 

The angry widow.  

Of Loneliness

I Love my dad. We gossip, he always asks me 'habari ya watoto', maybe he thinks I have more than one child or he is counting the ones yet to be born? I speak to my dad every morning. He calls at 7am religiously. On my way to work. In a noisy matatu. When I pick and he hears the noisy background (loud music) he knows I am okay, so he says. I like to flash, flash, flash (that's cheap for giving him missed calls) just to annoy him. If he doesn't call for some reason (hardly), and I call in the evening and hear a drunken hello I know he is okay, so I just annoyingly hang up. I have been unwell for quite sometime and coincidentally during that time he didn't call me for like three days. Maybe he was swarmed in some drinking den somewhere. It was a long weekend. I didn't have the strength either to call him. He calls one morning and I am in bed, he is shocked, what where is the music? why is it quiet? why are you in bed? Then I tell him I am unwell. He freaks out and begins to go on a guilt trip, maybe I should have checked on you yesterday or the day before, did you go to hospital? has anyone (my siblings) come to see you? Then he goes on a calling rampage and calls everyone who knows me to say that I am unwell. That day I was reminded how much he cares about me. We have a love hate relationships. But he cares. 

That morning I realised that I am craving for something. Something deep. AFFECTION. Just someone to check up on me and ask if I am okay. That gesture of dropping by just to check how am doing. Here is the headliner.

I feel lonely every single day. I am just afraid to admit it to the people around me lest I be deemed clingy. No This is not related to Baby daddy's death. Maybe it is. Many unsent texts and unspoken words. Its just some hollow feeling. Like I don't know who I am. Like I am depressed. 

I just want to feel like I am important to someone. SIMPLE. 

I took a self audit and realised that I have been attracting all the negative men, awful bunch and the 'bad boys' because of my self esteem. Feelings of inadequacy. Its like I have this HUGE void in my soul. I keep settling for less than I deserve and I feel like everyone is out to get me. No matter how good their intentions are. I recently met a man, handsome and young, seemed to have everything going for him and looked well put together. He pursued me, really did, BUT due to my low self esteem and getting used to attracting all the wrong kind, I kept looking for what was wrong with him instead of focusing on everything that was right about him. I eventually concluded that he is too young for me (he is 28) and closed that chapter. sigh. I know that I am not alone in this. This yearning for affection. There are people out there who seem perfectly okay, married even, but deep down they are crushed and lonely. 

Loneliness doesn't necessarily mean you are alone. Its a deep feeling. You can have people around you all day but still have that deep empty void in your soul. According to Wikipedia ‘Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship.’ 

I long to talk to someone, genuine, about stupid things including if squirrels marry, do they? I long to wake up to a text. I long to giggle about nothing really and have those random lunch dates. To be with someone who wants to be with me. Who is proud of me just the way I am.. Then of course they will disappear. Or get too busy. Or find someone else. Then my heart will break and the cycle will start over. Then I saw this:

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. (Linda) Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I follow baby girl around the house. Everyone seems to have stuff to do including her. Its like she is avoiding me nowadays. She sleeps at 7.30. Who sleeps that early? She watches frozen everyday. Every single day and is still glued to the telly the millionth time she watches it. See you agree that she is avoiding me right? Its like she doesn't need me anymore. She knows how to read now so she reads her own books. Loudly. Word by word, no fullstops or commas or anything. Even the hard words she doesn't ask for my help anymore. She just skips them or misreads them then the sentence doesn't even make sense. My sister took her for a sleepover one weekend, I think they have colluded to finish me. Its a miracle I didn't call after every three seconds, maybe I did. I felt like a part of me was ripped off, she was gone for a million days. No it was just overnight. Every weekend I literally look for stuff to do. I watch TV series till the wee hours so that I spend my Saturday afternoon sleeping. I watch sponge bob and teenage mutant ninjas. 

I stare at the phone. My mulika mwizi. Waiting for someone to start a chat. Then I remember I have no airtime. No messages come through anyway so I don’t need airtime. Everytime my phone beeps its a client or my fellowship group with reminders of fellowships or sometimes a random who is super bored trying to kill time. I spend my time stalking people on social media. I hate the fact that I am the only one at a stand-still. Life around me apparently is going on. NEWS FLASH. I am lonely.

Or could it be mid-life crisis? Do you remember the boom-twaffs (pimped out, extremely loud mats) that I used to hate with a passion? Well I actually stand at the busstop to wait for them. I would rather be late than get into an old creeky embassavva. Yes, I know!, what happened to dreading the speed and the loud music? The adrenaline those matatus, the boom twaffs I mean, give me is just out of this world. I think the drivers don't see the road, otherwise I fail to understand why they are always using the pavement or the pedestrian lanes. 

Anywho, 

“Loneliness is a wilderness, but through receiving it as a gift, accepting it from the hand of God and offering it back to him with thanksgiving, it may become a pathway to holiness, to glory and to God himself” (Elizabeth Elliot).

I need to recognize God in my season of loneliness. I need to trace him. I need to stop looking to people to fill this vacuum and know that he is the ultimate vacuum filler. 

He said I will never leave you nor forsake you, right? (Deuteronomy 31:6)  On good days I believe this. But on bad days I hope for much more than that. I feel like he owes me. Like after all I have been through he owes me a happily ever after. My very own happily ever after. Yeah, go ahead and roll your eyes. Ridiculous. But then why I am feeling like this? 

Sometimes all I want is to vent. Being Human its only naturally to want to vent to another human being. Taking it to the phone or text. But I don’t find someone to engage me. Then I remember the throne. God's Throne that is always there and I can reach it at any moment. I talk to Him and talk then He doesn't talk back. Like hey we are supposed to have a conversation, aren't we? Then I think maybe I have gone insane. Maybe I am insane, just maybe.

Have you ever waited for someone to text first? Or to remember that you are going through something and be gracious enough to follow through? No you haven’t. Sometimes I am afraid to be the first to say 'Hey I need you' Because that other person is already complete with or without me. Bummer. Then I remember God who first loved me before I even loved myself. When I draw near to Him, he will draw to me. Given. 

 James 4:8Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. 

I am not abnormal. Jesus felt the same at the cross. He felt beaten. Probably felt alone. You know the famous Matthew 27:46 "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani? Yeah that’s Greek or French or Hebrew or something for Where the heck are You oh God, when I need you most. Even David felt the same way. Yeah, the David who is after God’s own heart. No its not made up:

Psalm 22

1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?

I scream at God everyday. Frustrated that he doesn't Boom and say I am here. I feel His presence sometimes. Not always. So where are you? 

I have temporary moments of high. Like I am high on some cheap stuff. No I am not doing drugs or alcohol. I don’t know why that happens. Like I am two different people, bipolar even. I have two extremes. I laugh like a mad woman. Then I am back to sulking. His joy. The joy of the Lord. That is what I need. Not some temporary high. They say its all in the mind. How you feel that is, but really is it?

Philippians 4: 4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

He knows me. He does.  That’s what I always say. He create d me. He knows this season in my life. Psalms 139 in its entirety speaks about my relationship with God. How it ought to be. He knows me. Deep. He does. Imagine he thinks about me everyday.

Then Why am I fussing about the need to be thought about by people? To feel fulfilled by people? To feel whole in people? That’s the devil’s work. No seriously, I have all that I need in God and I still feel incomplete? How do you explain that?

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

I will just draw near to him and WAIT. SIGH. 

Defining my purpose

My dad always told me that I was born an athlete. I believed him because hey, he watched me grow so he must have seen something in me. I always pictured myself in long races like the 21k marathons and then not panting at the end of the race you know not looking all sweaty and worn out, holding my medal and eloquently giving my victory speech 

‘I dedicate this medal to my dad, who believed in me. To y'all out there your dreams are valid.....'  

Dream on sister, dream on. 

When this year started, I made a bucket list of things to accomplish before end of the year, we all have those, but I decided to push through with mine. Number one on the list, run a marathon. 

The mater heart run came, my colleagues cheered me on, and were like yeah bring the cup home, do us proud, bla bla.... (FYI there was no cup/medal/winning, it was a charity event). I was super excited and even re-did my 'victory speech'. In front of the mirror this time. In my head I saw cameras flashing, reporters struggling to reach me ...fast forward to reality.....there were no cameras or reporters.

I pushed right to the front because I wanted to be ready, I even told off my 'slow friends'. I didn't want anyone slowing me down, I wanted to stick with the 'fast ones'. We were finally flagged off and there I was sprinting through the crowd as fast as my skinny legs could carry me. 100m later I couldn't even move I was practically gasping for air. I was done! No I didn't give up, lets just say I practically crawled the remaining 9.9km (maybe it was way less than that but sure felt like a million kms!) 

I finally finished, a gazzilion hours later, mind you way after the pals I called slow, It was unbelievable. Every part of my body was aching!

Coincidentally that weekend I watched some cartoon called Oswald...Henry (a penguin) really wanted to fly. He was desperate because he has wings and yet cant fly. The sunflower kept encouraging him and gave him brilliant ideas like putting a propeller on his head, or a kite, or a balloon but still nothing worked. Oswald kept reminding him that he didn't need to fly because there are so many other things he can do perfectly. Henry became so obsessed with flying that his friends finally put him in a bubble that floated. No he wasn't flying but he was so happy. He wasn't created to fly.

Do I know my purpose?

Do I really know what my purpose is or is supposed to be. What if I am living in an illusion I have created of what I am supposed to do yet I have been called to do something totally different. What if I am doing things just because so and so said it’s a good thing and I am good at it? 

Sometimes we push ourselves unnecessarily and force ourselves into things we never ought to do in the first place. Just because someone said you might be good at it. Am I the only one being set up for dates? The match makers of this world, pushing you to a guy. A random that might not even be anywhere close to God's will

Why do we allow ourselves to be shoved around? how come if someone says I think this is good for you, we don’t even think about the consequences but just dive in nose first? 

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in the mind of a man,

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

I have come to appreciate the fact that we have so many plans. So many things we think we are good at or things that we imagine that we are called to do, but one thing that I know, if it’s not God's plan for you, it will not prosper. Sometimes he allows us to be when we force our way. 

My dad kept telling me that I was very athletic, no, I don’t remember ever running when I was young. Maybe he was hoping that I would run and bring the 'millions' home, and I always had this what if I have wasted my talent? but when I tried and it was a epic fail, I knew definitely that's not what I have been called to do. 

Many things have happened in my life and I have failed terribly at so many things, from relationships, to career, (I started off doing something else, now am doing something completely different), and at my age I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. It’s like I am living in the unknown.  In some vacuum, daily making a prayer to God to show me his will, to help me be content with where I am at.  

In this vacuum I know a few things though:

Ephesians 2:10.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I am no accident. I was CREATED by God. But why?

To know God: 

Ever since I got to know God and developed a personal relationship with him, things have been different. Good different. 

I was created for God’s glory.

I know my purpose is to glorify God in this world.

Isaiah 43:6-7

I will say to the north, Give up,

and to the south, Do not withhold;

bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the end of the earth,

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made.”

To praise and Worship God and to grow in the spirit:

The type of person I eventually become is more important than my failures, my ugly past, my miseries and everything else that is negative. I want to display the fruits of the spirit: Gal 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;

To Spread the Gospel:

I use my social media especially twitter to let other people know about God, simple one liner messages. I am not ashamed of making known what he has done.

Isaiah 12:4

And you will say in that day:

“Give thanks to the Lord,

call upon his name,

make known his deeds among the peoples,

proclaim that his name is exalted.

To develop my talents:

Well my talent is definitely not athletics, I love to write. I want to develop that talent to the glory and honor of His name. I know that each and every person has a purpose. Different talents and gifts.  Romans 12:4

How I am I planning to live according to God’s purpose for ME?

Explore new things:

I am an introvert. I hate doing new things and meeting new people. It’s very difficult for me to start a conversation with a stranger. I recently did away with my smart phone. It’s so annoying!, hanging,  no charge etc, on my way to and fro work I have the opportunity to chat with new people since I am not drowning in chatting! But no, I have no guts to chat people up. I have I used the time to meditate and just find me.

Stop comparing myself to other people.

This is what I do best. Especially on social media. I forget that most things people post on social media are lies, fabrications. You post what you want other people to see. But I am still jealous anyway. I cringe at how perfect other people’s lives are., or appear to be. I want to know no matter how faulted my life is, God can still use me anyway. The stone that the builders rejected might just become the cornerstone you know.

After all God uses the least for his glory

Stop downplaying my value.

There will always be someone better, someone more beautiful, someone more talented, someone better at what I do, but I want to uphold my value.  I will not give up my pursuit of something just because someone is better at it. I will not stop writing just because someone else’ s blog is better than mine. I refuse to give up just because I think I am less.

I want to be faithful.

Matthew 25:14-30

I don’t want to be that person that hid his talent and didn't use it. I want to grow in every area of my life.

I may not know what it is I want to be or do now, but I know that he holds my future in his hands and he knows me.

My own Version of Waiting

You know I had preset Kronos and I had to get married and settle down by a certain age. When he gave me the ring and moved in with me, I was over the roof and happily played wife. Never mind that he DID NOT marry me, eventually. 

I am good at following trends and being cool...like the rest. 

They said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so I perfected my culinary skills. 

They said A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm;  so I toned down my 'nagging', like where have you been the last four nights? We do not have food for the day, any plans? Where is the rent?' 

They said if you should do away with the 'seng'enge ni Ngo'mbe' T-shirt he will never leave your bed. I love to sleep in my socks, but I invested in sexy lingerie even in the freezing July nights.

They said there are some bedroom tricks that will keep him glued, so I attended every Mombasa Raha, Kitchen party and bridal shower in town. 

They said The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down, so I struggled to keep it together even though inside I was falling apart. My heart was in tiny little pieces. I covered all that up with constant partying and drinking. 

All this and nothing changed. So I started the waiting. Waiting for him to change his mind and become THE MAN. I waited for him to finally open his eyes and realize that I am THE ONE. In the end I realized that many other people were waiting in line. It was wasted years. Everything he said to me, he said to a gazzillion other girls. He sent me a text and I saw that same text to someone else, word for word. Full of sweet nothings. SEVEN YEARS. Of messing with me. With my feelings. 

He made me believe that he was doing me a favour by being with me. 

He made me believe that I was worth nothing

He made me believe that I was ugly.

He made me believe that I was damaged goods, see I already have a child, who would look at me? The stretch marks, the body changes every mother experiences. 

He made me believe that I was unlovable and I always settled for close enough. Afterall I had major weaknesses like anger and see I used to have a way with words, call it anger-speak. 

He stripped me naked physically, financially, emotionally.

He took away my innocence, my dignity, my confidence and most importantly my self esteem. 

I walked on minefields for looong. He cheated. He lied. He stole. He broke every promise. He LIED. From the first day. They told me to stay away. I was blinded. By what I thought was love. ''Love may not be literally blind, but it does seem to be literally incapable of reason and the levels of appropriate negativity necessary for realism'' Dr Thomas. It was infatuation. 

See most of US, do not know the difference between infatuation and sense. I for one did not know that you cannot EAT love. Like to settle down you have to make SANE decisions and not be with someone just because you are romantically attracted to them. BOOM. 

I realised that I was in love with the pain he caused me. The pain of betrayal. But wait a minute, there was no love, how can there be betrayal? 

I realised I am always in a hurry to settle down. I dont take time to WAIT. Not for Mr right because I am no Miss right. Just to wait on GOD. His timing. His Choice for me. Because hey, He knows me and HE is the perfect match maker. 

If I had known that it was never about me, all along, if I had known my worth in Christ, If I had known that it was HIM and not ME, then it would have hurt less when I found out about the others waiting in line. 

I am not the perfect girl.

Lipstick doesn't like me, it smudges.

I have lots of bush behaviour. I laugh till I tear. I over-sauce my fries and eat them with my fingers. I also eat chicken with my hands. 

I am crazy about chocolate. I scoop icecream until the bowl needs no washing.

When I am mad I talk and talk and I am not afraid of saying that I am unhappy about x,y,z.

When I am excited my talking is incomprehensible.

My sentences are punctuated by baby girl this, baby girl that because she is my WORLD. 

I am no Cinderella, I am the wicked step mother. I am the FIRE spitting dragon. 

BUT today I make a choice to WAIT.

I choose to wait because I know someone will be okay with this. Okay with my weaknesses. Okay with my imperfection. 

I choose to wait because I don't want to be who I am NOT for the rest of my life. 

I choose to wait because I want the one who gets me. 

I will no longer date randoms.

I will no longer try to be what he wants me to be and act like every word he says is okay.

I will no longer settle for close enough.

I will no longer be in undefined relationships, sometimes just friends, sometimes, more than that depending on the occasion or situation.

I will no longer run to randoms for a temporary high during my low moments

I will no longer confide to a random who will wonder why you are having this conversation with them or maybe who died and made them a shrink. 

I am done with wondering if he is the one, because today he is all over tomorrow he is all zoned out.

I am done with forcing meet ups and hook ups because I am not in any of his plans for the weekend.

I am done with feeling all down because he didnt call, or text, or forgot my birthday yet I made myself his agenda.

They all say just settle for any one. 'tafuta kamtu tu wakujishikilia', see you have a child, how old are you again? 

But I know that HE will restore all that I have lost. All the years that the locust has eaten. 

He will give me a good husband and a father to my child. 

I want to be loved because I have never known true love. 

I want to be wanted for more than just my body

I long for genuine 'how are you's not just as conversation starters

I long to be cared for and pampered

I crave to be wanted, to be missed.

SO, 

I shall wait for the one who is after God's own heart

I shall wait for the one who is saved not lukewarm because I will not do ministry dating. Dating and hoping to make him like God. 

I shall wait for the visionary and a leader who will be responsible for everything around me.

I shall wait for the cultivator who will make me a better person and will make everything around me better.

I will wait for the teacher who will teach me God's word daily and educate my daughter and I on the things we do not know

I shall wait for the protector who will protect us physically and emotionally and will always want what is best for us.

I shall wait for the provider who will provide for us whole heartedly

I shall wait for he who is honest. No more LIES. 

So on this day I make a decision TO WAIT. I SHALL WAIT.